Blog entry for:

when it seems as though my life is falling apart.i have survived those as evidenced by the body of this particular work, and stayed clean as well. yes, i was carried through those times by a POWER, a POWER that fuels my recovery, and for that support i am grateful. moving on…
once again, my focus turns to my daily practice of maintaining my recovery, and the admission that i am holding a resentment or two. last night, as i sat doing my daily inventory, i tripped across those resentments and realized at their core they were the exact same thing. it was blaming them for what happened to others. it really was not their actions that led to the consequences suffered by the behaviors of those others and i realized my need to forgive them for what i perceived as their sins against me and others. the truth is, since i cannot blame those so-called innocents for their sh!tty behavior, it has to fall somewhere and that axe falls hard on my peers who are still in the rooms. as i move deeper down into this cesspool of feelings, what i see, it is not the LIE, nor the guidance that caused the consequences that followed, it was a personal choice of a clear and dangerous path, that brought the hammer down. they knew where they were going and still chose to allow addiction to take them to their current ends. the blame, if it needs assigning at all, does not fall on those who were part of those ends, they just did what they thought was best and the time has come for me to stop lying to myself, own it for what it is, and forgive those others.
does that mean that <BOOM> all is forgiven and let's all sing Kum-By-Yah? well not yet, and i will not soften that statement with a but, as i first wanted to. the fact is, i have started the process i NEED to start to forgive them and i will let bit go at that. what i am seeing in this, is that i still take the actions of others as a personal affront, from time to time. the garbage i feed myself, is left to digest and stink up the place, when i conditionally choose to surrender my will and my life. i here myself saying, take most of my will and my life, but my anger and resentment, well i need to hold on to that, just for today. those simmering resentments are the part of me i most FEAR, as they feel as if they are part of my definition of who and what i am, and to let them go, will send me into a free fall to the unknown spaces. as i learn to forgive them, i can also forgive myself, for not seeing and not doing the impossible, bring an addict back into recovery through my power of will, for ultimately that is where it ends up, it is my fault, so i NEEDED to have done something more. once i know down the straw men, there is little left to do, but own that i am powerless over addiction, mine and that of others, surrender my life and theirs into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery and learn to live with the new reality. which allows me to be free to fail and walk away with some sort of lesson that keeps me from failing again.
anyhow, the time has come to move along, as i move into a place where the forgiveness of others becomes more important that carrying the fire of resentment, i will be better suited to becoming the person i have always wanted to be.

∞ DT ∞