Blog entry for:

... my addiction took full sway over my life. my obsession with drugs and self molded my moods, my actions, and the very shape of my life. however the reading is not really about the shape of my thoughts when i first came to recovery, nor is it even about the shape of my thoughts yesterday. i heard this reading to be saying to look at the shape of my thoughts today, right here and right now. there is HOPE that if i am following a spiritual path, doing my best to live according to the principles of this spiritual program, then my thoughts are being reshaped away from the self-centered, self-entitled, self-obsessed nature that they one were. whew, quite a mouthful there. if that is the point what else do i have to write about? well, for one, nowhere in the reading does it say that i can control this reshaping of my thoughts in either direction. it says that IF i live a program based on the spiritual principles of the fellowship that gave me this wonderful new life, my thoughts will be reshaped. so the converse of that implies that if i DO NOT live the program to the best of my ability my thoughts will be reshaped by my addiction. HMMMMMMM. there is a bit of control there, at least for which process i want to initiate, addiction or recovery, as always the choice of which process to start is mine and mine alone.
so where does this leave me, on this bright and somewhat cooler august morning? well, for one, i like the idea that the process of recovering is at least initially in my hands, even though, as always, i am uncomfortable with letting go of the outcome of that process. after all, what happens if i turn into someone i cannot stand? sounds silly doesn’t it, and yet, it is one of those FEARS that are a nearly constant companion with me through this journey. it is true that i do not acknowledge it most of the time, because for one, to voice it, gives it power, or at least in my superstitious human mind. that is a bit of conditioning that has yet to be deprogrammed from my psyche. however, today i am going to not only name that FEAR, i am going to face it head one, and say, damn the torpedoes full steam ahead! whatever comes from my process of recovery today is a gift that i am willing to accept, right here and right now, i will surrender to an outcome beyond my control or even beyond my imagination, at least in this moment. after all that is the best that i can do!

∞ DT ∞