Blog entry for:

of my thoughts. a quick aside, because it popped into my head: when i am writing this little dive into my head each morning, i agonize over what little symbols, emoji or pictograph to use to surround my title. as silly as it seems, i want to foreshadow the nature of what i am writing by those little odds and sods, and make them significant, when in actuality they are just so much background noise, to those who actually come here and read these exercises in momentary lapses of reason.
aa the cloud of the past few months starts to lift from my spiritual self, i see that all that i thought i had lost, is right there in front of me. i am quite certain now, that i am powerless over the direction my spiritual path is taking me and that in the long run, what little prayer i now do, will be transformed into something more akin to my spiritual path. i am also seeing that what has “always” worked for me in a spiritual sense, may no longer be anything more than me superstitiously ceremony i cling to out of FEAR. it is not that my notion about how much power i have over addiction has changed, it still is NONE.nor has my need to seek power from an HIGHER POWER to stay clean every day, been diminished. what is changing, however, is how i access that POWER and allow ITs power to care for my will and my life. i am powerless over that transformation and the FEAR i feel as it occurs comes out in all sorts of interesting and unhealthy ways, because after all, i have been clean far too long to be afraid of admitting where i am powerless. i have been clean far too long allow myself to spin into the morass of “looking good.3” as a result, i build a wall of denial, predicated on those last two statements and act out, one way or another. this latest incarnation has been the nasty, angry and overly critical self, where nothing is good enough, pure enough, clean enough or worth my of so valuable attention. as a result, i have isolated from the very source of my recovery ⇛ the addicts who provide the counter to the voices within. i know i often “pooh-pooh” those theists, who speak of the voice of their “GOD” being manifest in the shares of their peers in meetings. their juggling of religious and spiritual ideals are often a great source of amusement to me, and yet here i am, trying to juggle with what i feel today with what has always worked and the dissonance between the two is getting progressively more jarring, grating and louder. i am quite certain , that what once was is no more and by fighting to cling to the shards of that comfortable place, i am living in the fear of my uncertain spiritual future.
what i am feeling this morning is a bit of HOPE that i can stop my juggling act, admit my FEAR and allow myself to see where i am powerless today. i know that i am becoming powerless of aspiring to be a sage. the anonymity of the selfless person, within the spiritual path that has overtaken me, is now becoming part of my vision for myself, even as ego and id hold on to what was: “the man with a plan, that was sure to take a stand.” i am in a good spot this morning, i have to wait for the re-fi guy to explain to me, why they want to double the number of points they are charging me and perhaps, pull the plug on the whole affair, but Just For Today, i can let of of that and be okay with taking care of what i need to take care of today, a meeting, some time with my sponsees, and a trip ti Lucky's Market to pick-up a thang or three. it is a good day to let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to fill me with the power to recover, just for today.

∞ DT ∞