Blog entry for:

of my life, what exactly is it and am i working towards that goal? as my formal NINTH STEP amends, at least the living part, grinds on and on, i wonder what is it that i am trying to achieve? this morning, as i sat and as i ran, these two questions kept popping up out of the background noise that fills my head. the question to the first, according to the daily reading, is a reflection of my own TRUE will for myself, the vision of the person i have the DESIRE to become. the answer to the second, is to make my life as comfortable as possible as i grow old with my significant other. those two questions are interwoven and without a doubt part of how i live my life today. where i get stuck is in the part that speaks of restoration, as in STEP TWO. i am not sure there was ever a “natural” condition that i would like to be restored to. although abuse and neglect are not part of my story, my earliest memories are ones of disappointment, regret and alienation with my lot in life. i was never satisfied as a child and that discontent grew to the point where, when finally i used that very first time, i GOT to be okay and enjoy the ride. i no longer find cause to blame my family, my parents or even my random genetic load for my “malady of living,” i have come to accept that is what it was and i certainly CHOOSE not to be restored to that particular state of mind and being.
when i get deep into this type of introspection, i seem to get stuck on the idea of what exactly is meant by “restoration?” as i certainly do not want top go back to the state once was part and parcel of who i am and i seem to lack the FAITH that i am going in the correct direction, i get stuck. when i am stuck, the last thing i want, is for anyone to see that part of me. my DESIRE to be secretive kicks into overdrive and pull back and isolate from the very group of people who understand my “diseased” thinking. i have arranged my life to avoid meetings in my local fellowship and when i attend one of those meetings i choose time and again, not to share. honesty is the furthermost thing from my mind because after more than twenty years clean, the last thing i want to share about is: “is this all there is?” the worst part of being in this state, is i am not sure what it is that i want more of!
so i muddle through each day, wondering when i will get some relief from my self-centered, reward-based DESIRE. i certainly do not think a little drop of poison, is the direction i want to take. nor do i think materialism and getting something bright and shiny will relieve this living condition i find myself in. it is probably a good thing that my greed drove me to a place where i have no excess funds to spend right now and no desire to struggle financially to get that twenty minute of relief. today, i guess, i can be grateful that so far in my quest to take care of myself, there has been no indications that something is physically wrong with me, that a bit of effort cannot ameliorate. i can also be grateful that i have someone who wants to grow old with me and is a HUGE part of my life. most importantly, when the shite hits the fan, i have enough FAITH that if i allow the process to do its work, and truthfully there sis absolutely no magic involved, i will find whatever it is that i am looking for, even though i am clueless to what it may be. JUST FOR TODAY!

∞ DT ∞