Blog entry for:

...isolation by fellowship, and despair by faith in a loving Higher Power. once again a morning that is taking time for me to become part of. stuff is going on inside of me, stuff is going on outside of me, and as these things start to clarify, i am finding that what once i could take for granted is no longer a part of me. like being able to jump right out of bed and hit the keyboard running. this slow to return to consciousness gig that has been happening over the past few weeks may be a phase that will pass, or it just may be the shape of who i am. dunno, and truthfully i do not care, at least right now, it is just a state that i have to accept and adjust to.
that sort of ties me back to the topic of the reading, at least i used similar terms -- speaking about the shape of my life. i am certain that addiction did and does color the shape of my thoughts, my feelings, hell even my life. i am also certain that for me, this path is the only means to give me the life i truly desire, to make me the man i have always wanted to be, and most importantly to align my will with that of the will of my HIGHER POWER. the implications of that statement are great. the first most glaring one is that i have a desire to become something i am not today. i may have been that person at one time or i may not have been. the reading seems to suggest a sort of second step interpretation, a return to a state of sanity, where my thoughts, my ideals, my desires and my life are shaped into something sane. of course, what i heard, because i am who i am, is eleventh step stuff, discovering my TRUE will by allowing the program to shape the components of my self-will, into something it is not. if i need a concrete example, i need not look very far. after all, recovery has given me the desire to become physically fit. that desire has been turned into action and as a result, the layer of body fat that i have accumulated around my lower torso is melting before my eyes. the desire to become something less -- as in less unfit -- is becoming a reality as my spare tire gets consumed away. i can see the physical changes and use that as evidence that the mental, emotional and spiritual changes are also happening. as always, my FAITH is based on the foundation of evidence, and the evidence i see, especially in the physical sense, is enough to have FAITH that the spiritual changes are also being manifest.
esoteric or not, the time has come to be pragmatic. honestly, if i was not feeling better about who i am, and who i wish to become, i would have pitched this whole recovery gig, a while ago. unlike some of the other members in my life, mouthing the words and denying where i am, is not who i am. i am now and have always been a person who needs to see change in myself, in order to continue along a path, or barring that obliterate my sense of where i want to be going with a substance or behavior. so as i stumble through the conclusion of this eleventh step and wake up smack dab in the muddle of my twelfth, i am certain that i am on the correct path. i do know that this morning, i need not seek validation from any outside sources, i KNOW that i am on the right path, and if i listen i will also KNOW when it is that i am straying off that path. at least that is how it has been working for me lately do, listen, evaluate and do again.
and right now i hear get off my butt and hit the streets, is is time dude!

∞ DT ∞