Blog entry for:

i am being freed to become who i truly want to be. this morning for some reason, it was like i read this for the very first time. looking over my history i have not read this particular reading i have also commented upon it's content.
what was different i guess, was the whole about returning to my natural state and how that is the consequence of living a program of recovery process. there is still a part of me, some days more assertive than others, who resists the change, who wants to remain the isolated, selfish and rigid person that walked into the rooms all those days ago. that part of me, whispers about how all of this is just smoke and mirrors. there exists enough evidence that the rule is addicts use, even after some time clean. those who do not are the exception to the natural order of things. that whisper continues, ‥who the fVck do you think you are, that you can deny the consequence of your true nature?”
as rational as that sounds, and even as i type it, it gives me shivers up and down my spine, there comes a place where i have to make a stand and make a decision whether or not i want to be an ordinary using addict or someone who is extraordinary, that goes against the nature of addiction, by continuing to allow the recovery process to continue. no not just allow, as that is a passive response to what is really going on. better put, foster and participate in that process by doing my best to live the spiritual values that the program has taught me.
finally, i am getting top the meat of what i heard this morning, after reading the today's entry in the annual cycle. actively practicing those spiritual principles shape my thoughts, my behaviors and yes, myself, into the man i have always wanted to be. layer by layer, i am restored to my true state, as the program scrapes off the years of accumulated dirt and sludge. i am beginning to feel the HOPE that my current brand of insanity can be removed from me, and i can be restored to a level of sanity that i really have not had for quite some time. amazingly, i am feeling that perhaps the lies i whisper to myself are really just that, lies, no matter how rational or reasonable they sound. and yes, i am even beginning to feel like just for today, this is the best and easiest path for me to be walking upon.
so anyhow, yes the sun is shining in me this morning, instead of looking for the inevitable rain, i do believe i will go with it and get on with what i need to do. off to the showers and into day three of my four day rest period from my workout routine. it is a good day to nbe more than i was yesterday and to foster a process that will allow me to be even more tomorrow.

∞ DT ∞