Blog entry for:

of my highest dreams, not my drug-fueled fantasies.
confession time, as i sat this morning and listened, i wondered what i was going to say, to my friend that just burned his last bridge. of course, then i was angry, then sad and finally, when i decided to let it go, i came upon the notion that i would say whatever it is i am going to say IF and WHEN that friend decides to come back for more. quite honestly, that well was nearly dry as it was, and now well i am sure that i will move into their “hater” group after my next interaction with that friend. my dreams and the my thought may go out to him, but being played as someone that enables them to continue down their path of active destruction, is no longer part of my play book. as hard as it is for me to swallow, not everyone wants recovery, no matter how much they scream, whine or say so.
moving along, the dreams i had for myself, back in the day, were fantasies of the life i seem to have today.they were glimpses into a world where i looked like a citizen, acted responsibly and had some sort of future beyond my next fix. ironically, what i have today, is nowhere close to what i thought i wanted back then. i thought i wanted success, and material possessions, even though i would often say material possessions were anything i was interested in. what i really wanted was to be loved and be capable of giving love. i wanted to be respected and part of something more, and yet using and using buddies were all that i could accomplish. in fact i could not even manage to keep my own place, own a car or generate enough self respect to have the desire to stop using,. the picture i had of myself was an old man sitting on the porch of a rest home, slowly fading into the oblivion of just one more of something. where once i would have wanted to pound that addict into the dust and “x” them out of my life, for making me look foolish, today i have empathy and compassion. sure i am not happy about being played and the part i played in assisting them to accomplish their immediate goal. i am okay that i believed the best in someone and when that defecated call over me, came to accept that is what they thought they needed to do. i can forgive but i will certainly never forget and any trust that i once had is gone for now. sad as it may seem, i regret my part and hope that the next time, someone else asks me to do something similar, the shape of my thoughts are not colored by this interaction.
anyhow, it is a good day to be clean and when all is said and done, all i have lost is a little self-respect and that is no longer hard to come by for me.

∞ DT ∞