Blog entry for:

my moods, my actions, and the very shape of my life. well it is quite an interesting morning. i have to go chase down a 30K error after my regular job today, which is right now a stress bomb., which is contributing to my inability or unwillingness to accept the gifts of love and joy i am being offered, every single day. all of that makes me strive harder to be selfless, and in the end, i have lost any sort of sense of me. right now, it is about everyone else and not about me at all. i am fairly certain, i will find where the error crept in, and can give it to the accountant to be corrected. i am certain that i will give my best at work, do my job and be part of the team that will put a quality product into place. what i lack certainty about, is how can i find the willingness to accept the gifts of joy and love in my life, that i am actively refusing, right now? i am finding myself missing my recovery twin, the man that has been by my side since i was five or so months clean. he has been my friend , my twin, my brother who has grown-up in recovery with me, and now he is gone, and i finally came to the conclusion that is part of the ennui i am feeling, grief! since it is all about me, it is of course his fault and the litany of who has done me wrong lately goes on from there. when what is really wrong, is that i have closed myself off to the joy of life, the little things such as seeing my life through the eyes of the dawg. this is not about settling for less than i am worth, and it is also not about deserving something more. this is about looking to what i have and seeing idt for what it is worth. i have everything i never dreamed was possible and yet, somehow i think i need so much more, when in fact, i am unable to appreciate what it is i currently have. that my friends, is where i am going in my TENTH STEP over the next month or so, into seeing what i have, seeing how i treated myself and seeing what i did for Don today, what exactly was my reward for what i did today, as there is almost always one there. yes, the figurative pot 'o gold at the end of the rainbow! i do however have stuff to do, and places to be, so for right now the payoff, is: i got to start to get some direction, at least in my own head, about the direction i received from my sponsor last night. it is a good day to be clean and even a better day to be aware of what the payoff really is, maybe being clean and in recovery is enough.

∞ DT ∞