Blog entry for:

what seems to be coming up a whole lot lately is that my expectations of who i think i am are not matching up well with how my place in the world seems to be heading. the past few days has been all about the chaos of how other people are affecting my friends, loved ones and respected peers. i have found myself in more than one dog-pile situation and ended up being part of the problem, rather than part of the solution. most of it is all about distracting myself from the direction the FOURTH STEP is taking me ⇝ into a boatload of resentments generated in my ancient past, that has shaped the person i have come to myself as, today. while the distractions “feel” all warm and fuzzy, i know that all they are doing is delaying the inevitable and i just need to get over my bad self and move on.
it is not a stretch of my imagination to see how active addiction took my human frailties and the lies i believed about myself, way back when, and shaped them into a bizarre means of protecting myself and my ego from the reality of who i was and what i was doing. coming to the rooms, as i did, did little to encourage me to actually adopt the principles that my peers espoused and i found all sorts of ways to distract myself from becoming one of “them.” that “protection” fractured my inner self, into the bits and pieces; so i could “fit” where i need to fit, hide when i needed to blend in and obtain what i wanted, when i wanted it. when reality came knocking, there was a little drop of poison that i could use to ignore, justify and rationalize away any thing that threatened my fragile fantasy world.
a couple of decades later, i see that even though i am distracting myself with external chaos, and trust me, these days there is plenty on both a macro and a micro scale, i still come top a place at the end of my day, when i have to ask: “what did i do today that either fostered or hindered my growth into becoming the person i have always wanted to be?” most of the time, when i get past the surface and dive down, i see that for the most part, my thoughts and desires are shaped by what i have come to see as this new manner of living. i may not be able to articulate my dreams, this morning, but i know i want more for myself and the only way i am going to get more, is to let go and allow the process to carry me along.
right here and right now, it is time for me to put on my w\\workout togs and let go of all the rest of the world, as i pound the pavement and get some miles under my belt, as that too, is part of the new shape of my thoughts, demonstrating forgiveness for myself, by taking care of this aging body.

∞ DT ∞