Blog entry for:

the shape of my thoughts and my life to their natural condition. this is one of those readings that make me stop and HMMM, at least this morning. it seems there are times when i find it tough to believe that my thoughts are being reshaped at all. since i have been here from the start, and since that change has been so incremental, i miss what is going on, kind of like boiling a frog alive. drop a live frog into boiling water, it will jump out. HOWEVER, if you put a frog in a pot of warm water, and turn on the heat it it happily swims around even as the water gets hotter eventually getting boiled alive. so as my thinking has been reshaped, bit by bit, degree by degree, probably to such an extent that if i looked at how i thought today, way back when i would not recognize myself.
the part that work me up, was the line about the shape of the POWER that fuels my recovery, being part of the deal. yes i am on one of those HP steps, the third to be exact, and although i think i am quite comfortable with what that POWER may or may not look like, the shape of II as it were, i still am only beginning to feel comfortable releasing control and surrendering my will and my life into IT's care. this morning has been one of those days where stuff has been just a little off. things that should take 5 minutes are taking hours on end. no matter how hard i try and how long i am on the support line, the problem remains, and i get more and more frustrated.
back in the day, i would have used this opportunity to kick back and enjoy a moment of chemical bliss, all the while telling myself how much i deserved a break. today, well i am moving on. the problem has yet to be resolved and i will end up back on customer support once again.
i was considering just ending there and i looked at it, reread the enrty and it seemed more than a bit light. where i think i was going with the whole frog thing and how i once was, was to one of the qquestions in the Living The Program IP, namely how did i act differently, as my actions and behaviors a better gauage of my thoughts than what i think i am thinking. just as i ahd to leave behind the task at hand to get moving with what needs to be done, i will have to go back to it sooner or later. i behaved differently by not blwoing up, running away or otehrwise making my life harderv than it has to be. do i want to go back to support and resolve the problem. not really as i hate being on the phone forever and forever. wil i go back? yes, as i will have to deal with this agian tomorrow otherwise, which will suck as well!
in the mean time, i am going to finish this little exercise, meet a sponsee and get some work done. i will do my best to let myself be shaped by the spiritual experience of letting go today and see what happens.