Blog entry for:

i know, the answer to that question, is within myself. so as a rule, all i do is go back and check what title i use d before so that my threaded list of blog subject lines does not look boring to a casual observer. and today is no exception, however as i browsed the titles i was a bit stunned to see that i had never started off with the question about where true joy comes from. that does not mean i have never traveled this particular road before, and with that being said, i think i will continue up this path.
so i have said it before that i have been and probably still am way too concerned about how i appear to others, judging myself through their eyes, and the whole can of sticky sh!t that happens to bring up. although that may appear to be tangential issue, for me, it was the source of my joy when i was still in active addiction and it can still be a powerful siren call even to this day. if i live up to what i perceive my image is, and see it in your eyes, then i am joyful for i have achieved my greatest desire at least momentarily. so material things, shiny toys, large houses and the like take a distant second place to what the part of me that i call my addict really desires, joy from outside validation. do not get me wrong, a shiny new toy, will suffice when i cannot find someone to give the validation i desire and require.
still a sick pup, n’est-ce pas?!
well, the reading this morning really did jolt me out of a spiritual stupor, and into a new way of thinking. it also brings up the whole pile crap i have been feeling about other members, that my friends is a topic for discussion with my sponsor, the former however is something i can continue to explore here. so the whole trap is that if i require your validation to find joy, and being the human being that i am, how on earth can i ever expect to find joy or even any contentment? well that is where my step work takes over. i do have a vision of the man i am becoming and i do have a vision of the man i once was. somewhere in between those two binary places, is who i am right now, and an honest evaluation of my behavior, my attitudes and my feelings, right here and right now shows me i am closer to the man i am becoming than i am to the man i was, at least in a qualitative manner. quantifying where i am on that particular scale is a quixotic quest, and one that i need never embark upon, after all, i will never be as far along as i think i should be, and will then need to go out and get some more outside validation to feel joy, barring that go buy something way beyond my means and then spin down into the whole shame cycle that using external things to find joy always starts in me.
right here and right now, i do believe that i have everything i need inside to find joy today, and i do believe i will leave it at that and see if my paint has finished drying (metaphorically of course).

∞ DT ∞