Blog entry for:

i find that joy does not come from material things rather from within myself. of course that is easy to say, when money is coming in, and my material desires can be fulfilled at whim. these days, things are not as fluid as they once were, and i have found myself learning to actually live this idea, instead of just pay lip service to it. so sitting here this morning, contemplating life in my post-consumerist world, i am struck by what it may really mean for me to be happy. where does the joy in my life really come from?
in my using days, it came from getting high, the adrenaline rush from dangerous physical activities or winning a game. the games i am talking about here are not those that come in a box with cute little metal characters and paper money. it is true, i did like to win those games as well, but the games i was most fond of playing dealt with getting over on others to achieve some sort of gain: material, physical, spiritual or emotional. although far from being a master, i was quite accomplished and very rarely did i come up against anyone who could best me at this activity.
guess what? the very principles that allow me to live without the use of drugs, also prevent me from engaging in the damaging activity of social gaming. as i walk this path, my DESIRE to do so becomes diminished and there is no joy in reverting back to the most enjoyable activity after using, of my active addiction. do not get me wrong. i have not lost those abilities, and more than once i have pulled those old tricks out of my bag of magic, to achieve some goal in recovery. every time i do so, HOWEVER, i end up hurting myself, so over time i have come to the conclusion that no matter how noble the ends, the means to achieve them are just as important. i can live with that today, and i see that my source of joy is being altered in healthier and more sane pursuits. i have found that as i stay clean, as i work steps, as i do my level best to live a program, not just mouth the words, i am happy and i do find joy in things i once cynically viewed as being corny. i find that my cynicism is being replaced by shock and awe, the shock of how i see the world and the awe about how it all just seems to fit together so seamlessly.
i could whine about this and that, and i did not comment on the the whole joy from dangerous physical activities comment i made above. the truth is, i do not know whether that stuff scares or thrills me. based on what i have uncovered across the course of my step work, i am quite certain that it does both. i have done a few activities that were inherently dangerous since getting clean, and i did enjoy them. perhaps if my financial situation improves over the next year or so, i will be able to return to the white water i used to so love and enjoy. i was a fair class 3 river guide in my past life, and i provably could return to being one again.
anyhow time to shower off and get my first set of errands done this morning,, i can and will find joy in living life on it's own terns today.

∞ DT ∞