Blog entry for:

do not come from material things, but from within.
but spending a shit load of money on some bright shiny new gadget or toy sure feels good at the moment regardless of the consequences. after all i can not imagine my life without the latest and greatest and expensive piece of bling that comes down the road.
not only does this reading strike a chord for this addict this morning, it is something that has been an intrinsic part of my life in the not too distant past. the whole confusion for me comes from mixing up immediate gratification with joy. confusing fixing my feelings by buying something with letting go and feeling what i need to feel. and all that confusion comes from my culture as well as within myself.
the external forces that try and convince on a second-by-second basis that it is cool to buy way more than i can afford or even need to have in this life time is an influence that i can deal with. after all we live in a material world, there are many people who earn their livelihoods creating and pitching material goods for the masses to consume. there is no evil or hidden agendas here, they are upfront about what they need to do and what they want me to do. i have learned over the course of my recovery that theses influences will always be present and i dot have to allow myself to be swayed by their arguments, after all i think well enough of myself that i do not need to have the latest gadget just because i saw it advertised on television.
no my problem is the internal forces that suggest to me that a bit of retail therapy will bring me joy. and the most ironic part is that those internal forces use the exact same arguments and persuasions that the external world uses. you know, if i have a brand new roadster, with a top of the line sound system and satellite radio, and of course a GPS navigation system and leather seats. who cares if it costs more than i make in a year, that is, after all, what credit is for. i will look better, and if i look better i will feel better and of course if i feel better i will find joy!
so the crux of this dilemma is realizing that retail therapy is just another symptom of my disease. i am trying to alter my feelings with an external fix. although my fellowship does not count a credit card maxxing adventure as a relapse, i see it as just as deadly to my inner growth as hitting the crack house. well maybe not quite that extreme, but it is something i need to watch, and when i hear the words if only i had... preface any decision about purchasing something, i know that i am once again trying to find joy through the exercise of my consumer freedom. and as i wind down i am starting to come to the real point for me -- real joy comes from the fulfillment of my dreams, and yes some of my dreams cost money. if i want to fulfill those dreams i need to practice the principle of deferring gratification so i can have the resources available when the time comes to realize my dream. and understanding that gives me a small sense of joy this morning, after all this is all about listening and being present for what is showing up in my life.

∞ DT ∞