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cannot be bought, not even on an easy installment plan. so even though i know this to be true, i tried once again not too long ago, to fix on a bright and shiny new piece of electronics. well, it was so unsatisfying, that perhaps, i have learned my lesson. what lesson? that these days, if i want to change the way i feel, i have to reach into my bag of tricks and pull something other than shopping out of their. things do not do it for me anymore. which on one level really sucks, as a quick fix to keep me from something else, shopping was not the worst of what i could do. each time, something else, fails to bring me the relief i seek, my choices of which direction to take in my life, narrows. sooner or later, it will be whittled down to just two, recovery or relapse, and quite truthfully every other choice is just a manifestation de minimis of those two. when i shop, or act out, or do anything i do to get an immediate reaction and relief from what i may be feeling, i am taking a step towards the road to using. of course one may say a new laptop is hardly sticking a needle in my arm, and of course one would be correct. the problem is, when i avoid my feelings, by seeking to change them with external goods and behaviors, i am making it that much harder to deal with them, the next time they pop up. the more i avoid, the more i want to avoid, until i convince myself that this whole recovery gig is making me miserable and IF i want to feel human and normal again, all i need is a little sumthin', sumthin', after all, back in the day, relief was just a swallow away.
when i choose to persevere, feel what i am feeling, regardless of how uncomfortable or painful it may be, i grow. when i grow, i enhance my recovery experience and the reward for me, the pay-off, is the next time, the pain or discomfort is less intense and lasts just a bit less time. it is what it is, even though it is politically incorrect to admit it, i stay clean because of the pay-off of getting more of life. in times like i have been going through, i forget that fact. i forget that i could end up in a crappy little room somewhere, locked in an eternal struggle for power, and my only relief from everyday life coming from whatever happens to be in the pipe, glass or spoon, in front of me. yeah that sounds so attractive to me, i almost want to run out to the legal store and get started down that road today! NOT!
instead, i think i will keep doing what was suggested the other night by my sponse, allow myself to look for the joy in my life and take pleasure in the little things, as there really are no big deals in my life today. today, the choices i make, can enhance my recovery and when i look at my misery level, i am certainly less miserable today, than that day i walked into the rooms, and crazy as i may be, the level of insanity in my life, has certainly been reduced. life is, well when i get down to it, very good for me and quite rewarding even if i did not win one hundred million dollars last night in the MegaMillions drawing. today i can be certain that i have made the best decision possible for me, in deciding that yes i want to be a member of the “no matter what club.” on that note i think i will ease on down the road and see what i can accomplish, what joy i can find in my life as it today and how i can build rather than destroy, just for today.

∞ DT ∞