Blog entry for:

for that which i truly DESIRE. i often complain about not being able to distinguish between what i want (desire) and what i need. as i continue on my journey towards accepting the spiritual path i fins my self walking down, i am beginning to see that maybe that is just how it is supposed to be, and maybe it is not my job to separate out desires from needs. quite possibly the answer is not in denying what i desire and justifying it, when i “succumb” temptation. instead perhaps i might be better served identifying something as a desire and determining whether or not it will benefit my life, in that moment and if i am willing to pay its price. then, if i decide to move forward and act on that desire, i can be certain that i made the choice and that the “devil” did not make me do it. there is more than a bit of sanity in that path and certainly a little bit more balance.
do not get me wrong, i like luxury and creature comforts. i struggle with status and appearing to be better than i am. i spent years satisfying every whim and am still paying the price on the “easy time payment plan.” it is my experience that i never really was satisfied and most of what i have purchased over the years has ended up recycled or donated to the thrift store, as i down-sized my collection of stuff. i really do make a very good hoarder, but i love showing off what i have in conspicuous displays of wealth.as i grow up in recovery, i find less satisfaction in that behavior and feel cheapened when i allow myself to travel down that path. the part of me that desires to become something more, often feels at war with the part of me who wants to be superior to those around me. that battle for supremacy is a reflection of the battle between desire and need. i desire to be better than everyone, i need to be better than i was yesterday. it is more than ironic that the battle for my soul is expressed in what i choose to buy and display.
which brings me back to the reading, what i truly desire can only come from within me. ostentatious display of wealth and status seeking behaviors, will not earn me the respect of my peers. what i want and need from my peers, is not fawning adulation but direction and guidance in staying of the path of recovery. as i walk through this day, i can be aware of what it is that i truly need and decide if what i want is really the direction to go. when i make conscious choice rather than slavishly follow, i GET to be a better person, one who finds what he is seeking from the inside, instead of covering himself with beads and baubles to impress those outside of my skin. it is a good day to be present and seek balance between what i am and who i want to become.

∞ DT ∞