Blog entry for:

a sure sense of direction, and emotional security, not exactly what i thought i was seeking when i finally gave up the fight and entered recovery. no, what i was looking for, was the ways and means to improve my material life and thought all this spiritual stuff was for **sissies!** today, i still crave financial security and material possessions, some of the time putting my recovery into peril. other times, i am quite content with what i have and can move along to the next right thing to do, just because it is the next right thing and not because it will bring me material rewards. when i am in that state of being, incredible things happen in my life. my journey today is an attempt to balance what i DESIRE with being content and grateful for what i HAVE.
today, it has been 8000 days since i last used, which in my mind is more telling than counting the weeks, months or years. one of the most telling acts of how different i am today, is a bit of truth-telling i did last night. an acquaintance, who is becoming a friend wanted to be part of an activity several of our peers in recovery participate in, over the course of the next four months. even though there is room for him, there is still more than a bit of animosity towards him from the group itself. the easier, softer way of dealing with this, would have been for me to LIE and say we were full up, case closed, move along, nothing to see here. instead, i let him know that there were still some “hard feelings” based on his previous actions, running through the group, which i knew was hurtful. in telling the truth, no matter how diplomatic i may have constructed it, i caused pain and when i sat last night, i had to reach out and accept that perhaps i had done wrong. the result of that was that i GOT to sleep a bit better and i let him know that i took no joy in being the bearer of bad news. so what is so telling about all of that? when i came to recovery, i found that the “truth” was a weapon i could wield quite skillfully to cut someone to teeny-tiny pieces. i used to take great joy in doing so, as it bolstered my self-esteem at their expense and made me feel in charge and in control of the lives of others. i felt none of that yesterday.
for the second time in less than a month, i had to be the one who said no. saying no these days, especially to people i like is one of the toughest roads i have ever had to walk. for someone like me, who tries to “act” as-if he is above the fray and needs the approval of others, being the “bad guy” does not come naturally. today after a few days clean, that NEED to find the approval of others may be waning and as i learn to balance what is the next right thing for me to do, versus what is the next right thing to look good is to do, i get to walk through this day, with a bit of grace. it is a good day to be clean and a better one to know the difference between being genuine and protecting my ego.

∞ DT ∞