Blog entry for:

more convenient or more luxurious, but cannot fix me. to be quite honest, sometimes it FEELS like to me, that the only thing that can fix me is a quick trip to the mall. ironically, it is on a day, when i am going over my finances and really starting to pound the streets for work, that this topic happens to pop to the stack. could it be that i am getting some sort of cosmic message? or is it just coincidence. either possibility, could be in play, me, the rational pragmatist that i am chooses to accept it is just a coincidence that i am currently without a full-time gig, writing about fixing myself on the easy installment plan.
there has always been an internal struggle with finding joy form material things and finding joy from within for me. way back in my hippy days i would have told you that i hated material things, BUT i always had new Levis that i had distressed in a bathtub full of hot water and bleach, to make them look well-worn. i had a closet full of flannel and my T-shirts were always appropriately falling apart. yes, i would have told you, that i did not have a materialistic bone in my body EXCEPT when asked to share the substances that took me away, and i am not talking about CALGON! i looked like what i purported to be, but it was all an act, to keep anyone from learning who i was and that was at the very start of my active addiction, imagine, if you will, where it went from there!
when i finally got clean, any sense of perspective that i had about the material world and how much of it i could accumulate had left me, and those first few years, without the financial strain off active addiction upon me, i could and did, indulge in accumulating things, at the expense of accumulating spiritual gifts. after all, it was all about how i looked, and the more things i had, i believed, the more recovered i was!
as i approach STEP SIX, i see that my desire to look better and more successful than i am, is part of a deep insecurity about who i am. the jealousy and envy i feel, is an expression of that character defect. i am certain, that as i get into the formal step writing and step work required, i will uncover a whole lot more about the TRUTH of who i am, and more importantly who i think i am.
what i am walking away with this morning, as i prepare to hit the streets and beat the real heat, is that material things cannot fill that hole within me, anymore than getting and using of drugs did. all it can do, is momentarily, trick me into believing that my appetite for mare has been sated. sadly, that realization is kind of depressing and i hate to end one of these without a bit of HOPE.
where can i find HOPE? well i have a manner of living, that provides me a framework to discover and experience true joy. that manner of living allows me to be more than i ever was, and let go of what i once was. each day i stay clean, and decide that i want to do whatever it takes, is a step in the direction of finding the joy i always sought through the application of all sorts of external things and it is one less day i have to deny my true nature, that i am an addict. so before it gets too much warmer out there, i think i will take the plunge and hit the road running. it is after all a good day to find joy from within.

∞ DT ∞

BTW… i DO need a new pair of running shoes ;)