β« everything i had loved had been given to my addiction β«
Posted: Thu, Aug 6, 2009 09:18:03 AM
once i got clean, i put all my energy into recovering material possessions, only to feel more dissatisfied. inner peace, a sure sense of direction, and emotional security, however, do not come from material things, but from within me.
okay perhaps the second time is the charm, i tried to to do something fancy and it failed and of course, even though i thought about saving my work, i only half-assed it, so the wonderful, spiritual, witty and intelligent blog that i just crafted is somewhere down the bit bucket and i am stuck starting from scratch.
yesterday, in the late afternoon, after working hard all day, i took a silly little quiz. while that is not all that important, when i got my results i was quite insulted, angry, and yes i had the desire to prove the author of the quiz wrong. since the author is not part of my reality, the next thing i could have done is go shopping. the amazing thing is, that idea did not cross my mind, purist form hell or not, i took an entirely different tack and as a result i got to grow spiritually, instead of materially. do not get me wrong, many of the bright and shiny things i have were reactions to feelings. although the hole in my soul, that is created and maintained by the part of me i call my addiction has been diminished in surface area, the depth is still bottomless, and i am certain that the opening can be stretched wide enough to accommodate anything i choose to put down it. in the past, my little fit of pique would have certainly sent me shopping, as i have found that shopping and eating and hundred other ‘normal’ activities can be turned into things to feed that addict within, although i would love to think of myself as some sort of spiritual, oh i do not know, for lack of a better term guru, and i find that i can still be obsessed with physical appearances (mine) and material wealth (mine too!). this reading reminds me of where i need to set my sight, namely for the spiritual wealth that is within my grasp and leave the rest alone. since i am hardly so ascetic yet, i will move in that direction while enjoying the benefits of material comfort. so it is off to pound the pavement and see how far i can run this morning, it is a great day to refocus on who i can become, instead of whine about who i am not.
okay perhaps the second time is the charm, i tried to to do something fancy and it failed and of course, even though i thought about saving my work, i only half-assed it, so the wonderful, spiritual, witty and intelligent blog that i just crafted is somewhere down the bit bucket and i am stuck starting from scratch.
yesterday, in the late afternoon, after working hard all day, i took a silly little quiz. while that is not all that important, when i got my results i was quite insulted, angry, and yes i had the desire to prove the author of the quiz wrong. since the author is not part of my reality, the next thing i could have done is go shopping. the amazing thing is, that idea did not cross my mind, purist form hell or not, i took an entirely different tack and as a result i got to grow spiritually, instead of materially. do not get me wrong, many of the bright and shiny things i have were reactions to feelings. although the hole in my soul, that is created and maintained by the part of me i call my addiction has been diminished in surface area, the depth is still bottomless, and i am certain that the opening can be stretched wide enough to accommodate anything i choose to put down it. in the past, my little fit of pique would have certainly sent me shopping, as i have found that shopping and eating and hundred other ‘normal’ activities can be turned into things to feed that addict within, although i would love to think of myself as some sort of spiritual, oh i do not know, for lack of a better term guru, and i find that i can still be obsessed with physical appearances (mine) and material wealth (mine too!). this reading reminds me of where i need to set my sight, namely for the spiritual wealth that is within my grasp and leave the rest alone. since i am hardly so ascetic yet, i will move in that direction while enjoying the benefits of material comfort. so it is off to pound the pavement and see how far i can run this morning, it is a great day to refocus on who i can become, instead of whine about who i am not.
∞ DT ∞