Blog entry for:

...that allows me to respond, not react, to my feelings. of course, finding that state is always a rough road for me to trod. nevertheless, it is a project worth undertaking, and allowing myself to feel without attaching a value judgment on that feeling is the first step in achieving this particular definition of emotional balance. as the reading suggests, prayer and meditation can help to achieve this ever elusive goal. i could use that as an entry point for a blog about the benefits of how the communication with my HIGHER POWER allows this process to happen, but i have written about that before, instead i think i will go in a different direction.
when i was using the lack of emotions was my definition of emotional balance, life was difficult enough, without me having to have a feeling about every stinking thing that happened. drugs allowed me achieve this balance at least for fleeting moments, although those moments got briefer as i progressed down the road of active addiction. early recovery, on the other hand was quite the roller coaster, all of those feelings i had so succinctly suppressed across the course of my active addiction, had to be expressed and were with fervor. i found my self, in moods that i could not understand, feeling things i did not have the first clue about and always in a state of constant flux. the transition from steady state emotional expressions, to wildly out of control feelings, was almost enough to take me out again. it did take me to the psychiatrist’s office and i did end up taking some medication from a brief period of my early recovery. when my "treatment" had run its course, i was still left with rapidly shifting emotional states, but had a tool or two to deal with them.
the trick, for me, is to learn how to feel and not worry about what i am feeling. not that i ignore naming my feelings, i just accept that i am feeling this way or that, and move on. not that i do this perfectly by any means, but at least i give it my best in the here and now.
so anyhow, i have to run and do some errands, and get some work done. i am going to do my best to allow myself to feel and respond and leave the reactions for another time and place.

∞ DT ∞