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i am discovering what emotional balance means to me. what it does not seem to mean these days is that i take pain in stride and own and embrace it. no i am still turning pain into anger and the awareness of that is driving me towrads something that will make a profound change in my life, hence i will be diligent in my current assignment, so when that time arrives, i will be able to embrace the change, instead of resist it.
having coffee this morning and contemplating the fact that i have this NEED to deny my pain, is quite a slap in the face. i can provide plenty of examples, along with full documantation, of when and where i have actually allowed myself to feel and process the pain i have felt. those examples are all of course, the so-called socially acceptable ones, such as death, dying and disease. when i think of the pain of someone leaving, or the loss of a job, or the withdrawal of someone from my life, i hear the voice in my head saying, “buck up kiddo, this is just part of life in the real world, nothing to feel here, move along!”
somewhere, somehow, the notion that men do not acknowledge their pain got planted in my skull, and there it firmly remains today. what is appropriate behavior is to take that pain and use it as anger, real men may not eat quiche, or cry, but they certainly can and do, get pissed-off and act-out their anger in all sorts of inappropraite ways. of course, addiction took that notion to an extreme, and even today, i find myself living that out.
a case in point. a freiend who left me a long time ago, recently came back into my life, with a simple request to spend some time catching up. they were a bit impatient and disrespectful, as i considered their request, because there is history and although they may be oblivious to the fact, there are complications to my present life, that have to be addressed, emotionally and spiritually. well they pushed and i pushed back harder, the end result? still to be determined. what i do know, is that i am not willing to be pushed by someone operating under a false set of assumptions, especially when it comes to who they may think i am, based upon who i once was. they were the one who chose to put distance between us, and although i got on with my life, that still stings. to march back and expect everything to be hunky-dory, is more than a little delusional on their part. for me to expect not to feel the pain, when they do return, is also delusional and wht i NEED to do, is to own the pain, admit that i am still hurt and allow the process the go where it will go as it works its way out.
anyhow, our weekend rtereat is coming to an end, so i think i will start to pick-up and pack-up and get ready to roll n back down the hill. it has been great to be away from work and the real life that is my reality and as i move forward into thsi day, i will remember that emotional balance today, means allowing myself to feel the pain i am feeing and NOT turn it into something it really is not.

∞ DT ∞