Blog entry for:

on my feelings without burning down my house, comes from seeking emotional balance. i am not one of those who see emotional balance as **maintaining a positive outlook on life.** in fact i see that as a cop-out and in my opinion far from living life on its own terms. stuff happens, some of it find desirable (positive), some not so much (negative). to swallow my feelings by forcing myself to look for the “good” in the negative events in my life, feels so wrong to me.
moving on from my “little” beef and into what i felt this morning, i have reached a place in my second step where i now see what the nature of my insanity is and better yet, where i want to be restored to. the next step is to call my sponse and talk about where to go from here. what i heard as i sat this morning, i kept coming back to the the very sad fact that i have come to believe that i am not capable of changing and all that i feel, is a mere emulation of “real” feelings. in plain words i am FVCKED!
as i was reading through the SECOND STEP yesterday in preparation for my extended share, i stumbled across a line that seems to apply here. in that reading, it spoke of HOPE. i certainly have HOPE that i have become a feeling human being and the emotional balance i feel, is not because i have numbed and inured myself to feigning my feelings, as i did back in the early days of my recovery. what the reading spoke of, was allowing that HOPE to be morphed into FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery, can restore me to sanity, IF i allow IT, as in the POWER that fuels my recovery, do so. letting myself let go and have some FAITH, is a task i can undertake, as it has worked in the past. the body of evidence is that i am a felling human being. the body of evidence is that i am okay, just the way i am. the body of evidence is that i CAN be morphed into a better version of myself, through the process of the TWELVE STEPS. for me, what that means i that i have to let go, of that part of me, that gets paid off, every single time, i try to be bigger, badder and better than everyone else.

∞ DT ∞