Blog entry for:

to act on the direction i receive from the POWER that fuels my recovery, can be downright spooky at times. today, i have a daunting task of setting a boundary with someone who does not understand what boundaries are all about. in fact, it appears that they seem to believe that they are immune to the concerns of others and clueless about how their words and deeds may bring up feelings of shame, humiliation and pain, years and even decades after the events they find “amusing.” i certainly have hope that they can listen and respond appropriately, but i have absolutely no expectations of them doing so, it will be what it will be.
moving on this morning, i know that this task has consumed my whole emotional being over the past twenty-four hours. it grew from a seed that came from the quiet in the morning yesterday and consumed all the free space in my inner being with obsession,, during the course of the day, even after i had made the decision to act. even this morning, as i woke up and asked the POWER that fuels my recovery to grant me the power to stay clean, i also asked for the courage to implement my decision. i am great at making plans and not so great in bringing them to fruition, even after a minute clean. even though i know it is the next correct thing for me to do, i still cringe at the thought of doing so. in my head i keep coming back to the old adage about sleeping dogs and allowing them to lie.
avoidance has been one of my favorite behaviors, even after i got clean. i came to the program with the notion that if one ignores something long enough it goes away, or at least it ceases to matter. after some step work and spiritual work, i have uncovered that no matter how hard i try to dismiss or forget something that happened to me, if the feelings it evoked at the time were strong enough, i cannot be freed from them until i feel and process those feelings. ignoring them, just freezes them in time, waiting to be thawed at moments that may not be the most optimal. i have reached a point in my life, where this issue needs to be addressed, by setting up a line that i will not tolerate being crossed and i am willing to accept the consequences of that boundary being breached. for my own sanity and emotional balance this is something i must do and if it sounds as if i am trying to screw up my courage, it certainly feels like that for me as well. i find it daunting establishing my own worth with someone who cannot see my value, for whatever reason. right here and right now, i do declare that i am worth more than being publicly humiliated, again! just for today, i will be okay with standing up for myself and allowing myself to feel worthy of all i have become.

∞ DT ∞