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to judge the feelings of others.as i have progressed through this particular step cycle, more and more i am told more and more about what is happening in the lives of those around me. as i hear more and put it all together in my head, my picture of those with whom i recover becomes detailed and nuanced, and the tendency to judge them, or at least my tendency to judge them, becomes more difficult to deny. what happens i is i walk through my life, looking at how others act and attaching motives to those behaviors, based on the picture i have built up in my head, rather than just accepting that is what they do.
i am quite famous for commenting on that unique experience that many of the newer members have, the so-called “pink cloud.” less and less i find myself saying anything about and letting them enjoy their moment in the sun, and hoping that if it bursts they have made the connections they need to weather that storm. if someone is feeling joyful and walking around with a smile on their face 24-7, more power to them, i just hope they are building the connection necessary to weather the storm, should it arrive. it certainly is certainly not up to me, to make anyone feel one way or another. it is no different than seeing a recovery thief with decades of abstinence walking around with a frown on their face and a dark cloud over their head. i certainly could say that if they had spent more time being part of, instead apart from, they would have a greater depth of support. i do not, however, take on projects, i am learning to take on relationships. each relationship is based on equal standing, regardless of how many toys i do or do not have, how many steps i have worked or how many days clean i have accumulated. the payoff, and there is a big one, is that i get to participate in the lives of others, as i allow them to participate in my life. nineteen days or nineteen years, it really does not matter, it is not a status symbol, even though that was once a tenet of my belief system. clean time does not make me any better or worse than anyone else, and it certainly does not equal recovery and the newest of the new, in my opinion, should be given the opportunity to feel whatever the fVck they feel, and be respected by me, not derided and dismissed.
by knowing what i know, about myself and those around me, i have the opportunity to all a POWER that is greater than me, to work in my life. yeah, yeah, yeah, here i go again, off in to the land of spiritual mumbo-jumbo, when things get to mundane and gritty. so what, that spiritual path has saved my bacon more than once, particularly when i was too worried about how i looked and let my recovery lapse, as someone who has spent time outside looking in, i am grateful that my spiritual path and the program of recovery i have been given, allows me the freedom to decide when i need to judge and when i need to just watch and allow my picture of another, to grow more complete. right now i judge it is time to wrap this up and head on down the road, after all, if i do not show up, i judge i will not keep my job for very much longer.

∞ DT ∞