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last night i had the privilege of once again getting to share my story. present in the room were my first two sponsors which in of itself was a momentous occasion. so i would have thought i would have been anxious about sharing. i am glad that i do not always get the feelings i expect because i was very calm and shared from the heart about my life so far.
thinking about what i shared last night and the readings over the past two mornings has given me a new perspective on what i think emotional balance is for me. when i was using emotional balance meant not feeling any emotions. i gladly traded joy, happiness and ecstasy, so i would not have to feel regret, pain and sadness. self-medicating stripped me of all emotions and turned anger into rage, but it was what saved me from going completely nuts! after all it is very hard to live three separate lives and be all things to all people.
early recovery was a roller coaster of extremes and there were times when i was ready to pitch this whole recovery gig for relief from my feelings. i was ill-prepared for the emotional rebound i felt after taking the use of substances form my life. but my first sponsor kept telling me that ‘ this to shall pass ’ and it did!
today for me emotional balance means accepting what emotions i have after all i am powerless over what emotions happen to come my way over the course of my daily living. while accepting those feelings, actually allowing myself to feel them in all their glory. i would love to say that i handle my emotions well today, alas all i can say is that i handle them better. i am not a slave to my emotions but neither am i master of those feelings either. i allow myself to feel and express those feelings as they come about and let clean up afterwards any damage that i may have caused as a result of expressing my feelings. it seems top me that the eleventh step when i practice it on a daily basis, allows me to be in touch with who i am today and what my place is in the life i have been given. i may not yet be the man GOD intended me to be, but today i am closer than i was and allowing myself to feel emotions are part of that evolution.
∞ DT ∞