Blog entry for:

and learning to moderate their excessive expression.
as i perused the titles of the entries for the past few years on this topic, it does not surprise me that twice i chose the positive outlook on life part as my seed. for me, that is not exactly what i call emotional balance anymore. for me, that is denying my true nature and living a life in a dishonest manner, after all, part of who i am is a cynic and as i dial my cynicism back in, i discover that there is always a cloud on a sunny day, and certainly a silver lining in the direst of storms. emotional balance in that sense would be looking for each, and reporting on both the so-called “positive” and “negative” aspects of my life. today however, that was not what i heard.
when i finally could settle just a bit, let go of car buying, job opportunities, bonuses and career, i heard that learning to live with my feelings, is what emotional balance, for me, is all about today. since i lived decades stuffing my feelings, when i lost my primary ally against feeling anything, i went on quite the thrill ride of emotions. up and down,m round and round, all the while i was jonsesing for just a little sumthin', sumthin'. all i wanted was relief from all the feelings. shopping helped and i am sure some wild sex would not have been a bad choice either, gambling was just way too dull. yes i tried all kinds of acts to re-bottle my emotions, and to my great relief today, but my ever growing consternation in those days, nothing worked. i had to feel whatever it was i was feeling, and i had to feel them full force. today, feeling what i am feeling, is not a bad thing, and learning through the application of the SEVENTH STEP to feel instead of react, is quite a task. i mean in 45 minutes,. i will be without a car in my life for the first time in a dozen years and the prospect of finding the ways and means to get another is a bit daunting to say the least. and yet, now that it is almost all said and done, there is a peace descending upon this particular storm and a growing certainty that it was just another thing. MY THING to be sure, and it was bought and paid for. it is time for me to let it go, whether or not, i see someone else driving bit around or not does not matter. sure i will feel a twinge of pain, but it really is not like i am dumping a real live human for the next best thing, it was only a car, and in less than seven days i will have another, newer model to replace the one that was so faithful to me.
today i am grateful i can feel, i can allow myself to respond to those feelings and for the most part allow myself to be defined by the fact that i am a feeling and caring sort of human being. emotional balance is what i crave and what i get, when i allow myself the freedom to just be me. sure i can always find the bad in any good situation and loathe to spin everything into rainbows and daisies, i will leave that task to someone else. i am learning to be okay with that, and as i shift towards a more balanced way of looking at the world, i can be certain is is because of the sh!t, that the daisy can grow, and only after a storm, is a rainbow visible. the daisy decomposes into sh!t and the rainbow is as fleeting as the storm, quickly gone after making a speculator appearance, so there is balance in how i look at the world. if you are one of those who has an issue with that sort of outlook:
Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best…
And…
…always look on the bright side
of life…
i know that helps me as well!

∞ DT ∞