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my own personal range of emotions, those i deem to be **positive** as well as those i condemn as **negative.** here is where i can go down the path of saying that judging my feelings is an echo of where i once was. i am not talking about how i reacted to what i was feeling in active addiction, as i did my level best to level my plane of feelings, with the exception of self-righteous anger that i turned into rage against the world. for me, rage was certainly almost as good as getting high. living life in a state of low boil , made me volatile and certainly chaotic. in fact, rage and chaos were two of the tools i used to keep others at arm's length. i am not one of those who will say that they used to diminish their anger, as my choice of substances very rarely “mellowed” me out. once my leveling agent was removed from my emotional equation, i uncovered who i was and what it was that i had so skillfully suppresses across the decades of my use. it was reading such as this, that put me on the path to feeling only the “positive” feelings and when i felt something i judged to be bad, the self-deprecation would begin. in early recovery, long before i became a member, it was just part of the evidence i used to keep myself separated from my peers. those months of mere abstinence and lip service to the program, groomed me into a place of feeling desperate and needing something more. the crossroads came and i chose the path less traveled and ended up learning how to live a program of recovery, just for today.
all of that is truly ancient history as i was much younger at the time and certainly had very few clues as to who i was and where i wanted to go. i “know” today that using allowed me the FREEDOM to feel nothing and was one of its most pleasant side effects. recovery, at least for me, is not about “dealing” with my feelings and emotional states. recovery for me, is allowing myself the FREEDOM to feel those feelings, process them and react appropriately to them. part of what i see in my life today, is a response to my dedication of finding the ways and means to bring a bit more acceptance and tolerance into my life. when my peer asked me if that meant more compassion and love, i did chuckle and say, “not yet.” which is certainly a step in a more “positive” direction.
as i begin to move towards the end of this little offering, i am reminded of the days when i felt the need to name each and every feeling i had, all the time. where i am these days is a place of feelings just are and dissected them into their component parts is not a very productive use of my time. i also have arrived at the place that trying to figure out the “why” of any particular feeling, can be a similar waste of time. i am finding that those “whys” are revealed in the course of my daily living and working to avoid those “whys” sends me back to the days of suppression through the use of… it is a good day to be clean and to allow myself to feel what i need to feel and respond to those feelings, rather than react to them.

∞ DT ∞