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as the big pickup truck owner yelled at me as i asserted my right of way as a pedestrian this morning **THAT*S STUPID!** in reality, asserting my right of way or equating responsibility with freedom are neither stupid, disingenuous or that far off the beaten path. just as that driver believed they were in the “right” and needed to comment on my cations, so was i in the right, back in the day when i was always a victim and i was well practiced at using my “blame-thrower.” boy oh boy did i get pissed when someone else suggested that maybe i was the one at fault and no person, place, thing or situation was responsible for the consequences that rained down upon my head.
a year ago, after dealing with a using addict, who did not see things in this manner, i had to examine my own self and see what parts of my alleged victimhood, were still resonating in my life. as much as i would love to say, there are absolutely, positively none, as i have “evolved” beyond that, i uncovered the sad truth that i still felt victimized by Mom, especially after she died without ever taking responsibility for her part in my descent into the lie that defined me for so long. the fact of that matter is she could never own what she did, and as i finally let go of the fact she was never going to answer for her alleged sins, i had to own that fact and get on with my life, leaving my expectations and resentments behind as i allowed myself to forgive her. i could carry that forward, imprisoning myself in a cage of hate and discontent, or as i am learning to do, let go of it, take responsibility for the one who created and fostered the lie and move into a new day, living as the man i have become.
as much as i want to celebrate my freedom from active addiction, i need to see the other chains that bind me. responsibility means i get to choose, which i deal with today and which i may need to look at tomorrow. i have spend far too long looking back with regret for all the opportunities i missed. right here and right now, i will take responsibility id seeking out today's opportunities and choosing which to take. being awake means i get to choose, when for so long, each and every choice, reduced the choices in front of me. i can say that freedom from choice may seem like an ideal state, but as one hwo hads lived in that paradigm, i would simply say, not so much. just for today, i will take responsibility for my life and choose from what is presented tro me.

∞ DT ∞