Blog entry for:

the program provides me with many voices that counter my addiction, voices i can trust. i have come to the place in my recovery, where i no longer need to separate out the parts of me that make the whole. so when i come across reading like this one, that seem to reinforce the more than one person or alien in control metaphor of the part of my that is addiction, i really have to be patient with myself, to get something out of it. i know that it is convenient to blame something else for my behavior, and for me, the ultimate cop out is, MY DISEASE MADE ME DO IT!
the irony of this, is that this was my favorite reason for bad behavior throughout my recovery, after all, if some alien force could be blamed, i could once again escape the wrath of my internal judge, jury and executioner. so in a sense, this was a protection mechanism for me. however as i grew and continue to grow, i find this to be more and more distasteful, and i also am starting to find, that the key to executing that internal and nefarious judicial trio, is to see my mistakes for what they are, surrender them to my concept of a HIGHER POWER, forgive myself and move on. piece of cake, n’est-ce pas?
well it is and it is not, as my current spurt of growth is revealing to me. the words tool and idiot still come up when i think about how i surrendered power and control to people and things that really have no business with them. of course, taking that power back and placing it where it really belongs is what my task of the day has been for several days now. i have finally reached the point in this process where that is becoming possible and will probably occur. i can wallow in the self-pity and self-flagellation, or i can as sponsor suggested, oh so succinctly last night, get off my ass and move forward. i believe i will take that suggestion and move forward into my day, it is after all, a good day to recover!

∞ DT ∞