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in my mind, is the most accurate of the memes that many of my peers use to express how addiction warps their thinking. i have reached the point in my own recovery, that i have no opinion on how they express what addiction is, and how addiction affects their day to day living. me? well i have moved into the “whole” addict sort of paradigm. i am the addict and the addict is me. it is not some sinister, cunning or baffling force from within, it is just me. part of becoming whole to me, is the integration of all those parts of my personality, not the least being the addict within, leads me to some astonishing revelations an the first and foremost being, that it is me who wants to use, not my addict inside. it is me who is unwilling or perhaps even unable to cope without the use of a little sumthin', sumthin'. it is me, that is at the root of all my problems and it is me who lies to myself that i can do “just one.”
once i remove all the references to0 addiction as a separate and distinct pieces of me, the weird get going and everything i thought, takes on a new and deeper meaning. i become responsible to counter the voice that says i can be okay if only… i am now responsible to seek out help in the times i need to and offer that same help when asked. for me the biggest adjustment to my thinking is that as a part of the whole me, i can no longer single out addiction as the blame for my failings. it is not like a diabetic walks around saying their diabetes is telling them that it would be a good idea to raid the candy bowl. i chose diabetes, because that is the disease i heard addiction compared to often enough, way back when. the fact is, if i accept that i am an addict and addiction is a disease, like diabetics, then my treatment and doing the next right thing for myself, falls on to me and not some mythical committee in my head. if i accept that the addict is me, and i am the addict, than i also need to accept that all the information i receive for the world around me, has been run through the filter of addiction as well as my prejudices and biases. by the time i GET to act on that information, the chances of it being 100% accurate are practically nil, and i NEED to be careful about what i do next. in this sens, perhaps the notion of “first thought wrong,” might just apply.
taking all of this into account and dismissing the worry and frustration i feel from time to time, when i hear my peers, separating everything out, i can move forward as a whole being, rather than in bits and pieces. more and more i feel less and less of a desire to preach about how there is no invisible hand at work in my life. there is no part of me that wants me dead, but will settle for me loaded. what i get today is a sense, that i was the one who consciously chooses to be clean today and if somehow i happen to have a drink or a toke, it it will be because i consciously choose to do so and it will be a relapse and not a “slip.”
which brings me to a pet peeve of mind. where in the world did the recovery industry get the notion that “just one session of using” was a “slip” and not a relapse. i heard that notion at a meeting yesterday and it reminded me of what i heard way back when i was in treatment. one slips on a wet floor, when one chooses to use, it is a fVcking relapse and one needs top deal with that event as such. “softening the blow” or protecting someone's fragile self-esteem, through word games and idea manipulation is no different than the Ministry of Information and their infamous slogans: War is Peace; Freedom is Slavery; Ignorance is Strength!
the world of a recovering addict is tough enough already without all the doublespeak and tiptoeing around that professionals and many of my peers seem to think is necessary to make recovery attractive to the still using addict. what is, is that recovery treats all of me, and what is not is that there is some part of me that requires suppression or excision. i am okay with that notion, at least, just for today and yes one toke, one sip, one line is a relapse in my book, so do not come around whining about just once as if we need to seek forgiveness. addicts use, and one vcan be certain that if the day arrives that i choose to use, i will not be crying about how “my addict inside made me do it!”

∞ DT ∞