Blog entry for:

of my program. on one of my social media feeds this morning, i saw an addict whining about a line in the format. that line, **THERE IS NO SHAME IN HAVING THE DESIRE TO USE.** while i could go on a tirade about how they are way overthinking that line, and actually have arrived in a state of misinterpretation of what that line may be saying, by diving into little semantic games, i will not. 'nuff said.
what i felt, when i read their little polemic diatribe, was who the fVck do they think they are, and yes i was more than a bit angry. while the heat continues to fade and i become more rational, i see how the part of me i call addiction, affects how i perceive what others are trying to tell me. and yes, after a few days clean, when the desire to use, comes upon me, as it does every day and again, i feel ashamed. after all, i have a bit of clean time, have worked some steps and practice an active program of recovery. my instant thought, when this rare event does occur, is there must be something wrong with me, and what will others think, if i say that out loud: “today, i had the desire to use?” that is part and parcel of how thew “voice” of addiction speaks to me, in my own voice. i know it is me, and need not treat it as some outside influence or alien possession, it is just there. taking something that is natural for any addict to fell: the desire to use; and turning it into a tool against the rest of me, that does desire another day clean. it is amazing that even though i do not speak of a monkey on my back, the committee or disease of addiction, as the root of the notions that separate me from the healthy influences in my life, namely my peers in the rooms of recovery. when i am more concerned about how i look in their eyes, my default state, than what i am feeling inside, then i am starting to circle down the drain, into isolation and into a state far from the grace of active recovery.
when i am given the FREEDOM to express what i am thinking, regardless of whether or not i am shamed by it, i am moving into a state that is far from desirable to me, i am starting to see once again, how i differ from my peers, rather that seeing how i am similar to them. the “disease of addiction” has one its first battle, in quite some time.
ah but there i go down a rabbit hole, triggered by a random writing of someone who lifts a line out of context and runs with it. the line they took issue with is part of this paragraph:

If you felt like using today or feel like using now, please let us know so we can offer our support.
There is no shame in having the desire to use and we know that our secrets die in the light of day.

sometimes in this day and age of fake news, or even worse trying to shove something under the carpet with the label of fake news, i get frustrated. life as someone who cares and who has nostalgic recall about those “good old days,” is never safe from the decision to walk away and see how white-knuckling works, or worse, that just for this day, i can use a little bit of poison to take the edge off. the fact is, even with a world full of seeming idiots, liars and purveyors of twisted and sick ideas, i can live my life, according to the principles of recovery, not go shopping and being okay with the reawrd of another day clean.

∞ DT ∞