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of negative self-worth oftentimes tricks me into trusting it. my peers have all sorts of other names for that, such as the committee in my head or simply addiction. i have come to terms with being an addict so i no longer need to go down that rabbit-hole. the way i see it, is that addiction is me and i am addiction, in all its various manifestations. today what i am telling myself is that i will never get the job i am working towards anyhow, so why bother with studying and practicing before i take their online assessment. countering that “voice” is something i have become well-versed in, across the course of my recovery, but it hardly means that i am immune to its pernicious influence.
going back a few days, to what happened the other night, i started to guess at the motives of someone else. while they may not be an addict in the classic sense of the word, perhaps they truly are and are seeking the ways and means to find freedom from their particular flavor of addiction. not every addict love the feeling of getting high, as i do, but does that make them any less of an addict. if some behavior is making their life unmanageable and they fall into obsession and compulsion, then perhaps i need to give them a break and open the door to recovery for them as well. that is not for me to judge, as everyone in the rooms was telling me i was an addict long before i accepted that as fact and began the process of recovery. i did not enjoy being judged, but of course i was still in denial about who and what i was, back in those days.
so i do have to move into study by doing mode after a quick trip out to the mailbox. i will remember that regardless of the outcome, honing my technical skills and getting theory under my belt is not a bad thing for my own personal growth, and i have the time and the opportunity to do so, just for today.

∞ DT ∞