Blog entry for:

get me into impossible situations. let me get rid of this before going any further: i really have a strong dislike for anything that suggests that addiction is some alien force or something that is not a part of me. when i hear statements like my disease is talking to me, i cringe. ADDICTION IS A PART OF ME, no more or less. in plain and simple words addiction, whether or not i consider it a disease is me. so yes, in my internal dialogues, there is often a voice that comes from this part of me, suggesting certain behaviors and actions. the counter to that voice is the calm rational voice of that part of me that wants to recover and is willing to do whatever it takes to do so. that part of me makes use of the resources at hand, the literature, the program, peers and friends that is hare recovery with and suggestions from my sponsor. so now that i have parroted back the reading, time to move along.
i could just say goodbye and trot off to the neighborhood byways. or i could move down a bit different track to see where this takes me.
i just finished and mailed the letter off to the only sponsee i ever fired, who i am considering reestablishing that relationship with again. this will not be the first time we have started over, the only thing that has changed is that i used the ‘N’ word when i fired him back in May. i said i could NEVER sponsor him again, and yet here i am considering that choice. currently the ball is in his court, or it will be in the next few days after my letter makes it into his hands. the questions he must answer are not that hard but strike deep into the program, in fact i lifted them directly from our literature. as is often the case, when i give someone a suggestion for a writing assignment, i think of what i may write if i was given the same assignment.
what is it that the program has to offer that i want? well the path to becoming more than i was yesterday; the means to be freed from the thrall of addiction; and a manner of living that reduces the damage i do to the world in which i live. i want all of this and more, i see that the program can and will give that to me, and i am willing to do whatever it takes to continue the flow of those gifts into my life. that means i write steps. i call an addict almost every day, i go to meetings, i serve the fellowship that has given me this opportunity, and i live as true to myself as i possibly can. i allow myself to hear the voice of a POWER greater than myself, and i do my best to align myself to that will. i am however, much to my chagrin, only human and i often fail to achieve such standards, i can and have in the past beat myself up for failing to achieve all of that, but this morning, i see that my best effort, regardless of the results is what is required of me. now here is the rub. how do i determine that i have done just that, given my best effort, especially when within me is a part that craves my failures, so that i can start down the path to using again? well i look for measures of success instead of indicators of failure. that is where the TENTH STEP comes in. am i clean, does the end result really justify the means, can i sleep tonight or is there something that needs to be resolved? and so on. once again returning to the tools of the program to counter addiction from within.
so anyhow, as interesting as this particular line of thought may be, it is time to get up from in front of my computer and hit the streets. after all, it does look like the rain may start any minute now, and putting off what i need to do will not be of any help to achieving my master plan of the day. it is a great day to be clean and living a program of recovery.

∞ DT ∞