Blog entry for:

ah, the old committee is speaking to me again reading. one of those reminders that perhaps, after a few days clean, i still have not been relieved of the suffering my disease can cause me. do i hear the voice of my addict, still speaking? my first response would be to say of course not silly boy, but the actual truth is that the voice is more insidious than ever, and no longer screams at me. the voice of my disease whispers incessantly that perhaps i do not belong here and that i could use again, after all abstinence across the span of any number of years must be evidence that if i am not well again, maybe i was never an addict. and some days that sounds like it may actually be the truth. of course what i know about the truth and what i believe is true is subject to revision, the program i have chosen to live tells me so, and that little bit of knowledge can be twisted by the part of me i call my disease to be used against me in the court of my mind to judge and condemn to a life of suffering once again. the real beauty of this whole train of thought is i can deflect blame for me myself and place it squarely on the literature that comprise my program. -- way cool, a return to using without any consequences -- .
so how do i combat that tiny little inconsistency? well for one., following the suggestions of the reading, a quick call to my sponsor AND showing up at a meeting, so i can hear the voices that i know i can trust. ones that do not preface everything they say with " you can trust me! " the funny or perhaps a better term would be ironic part of this, is that the voices i can trust the most, are often the ones that are the least familiar to me. i know the part of me i call my addict, he has been present for quite some time and does not seem to be going anywhere else with any dispatch. whereas everyone else seems to be transitory and unfamiliar to me.
so what is my course of action today? go hang with a few addicts and watch the bronco game, hit a meeting and maybe do a bit of step work and most importantly, do not pick-up that first whatever, no matter what! simple and direct and not too difficult to accomplish today.

∞ DT ∞