Blog entry for:

although i may know and accept this fact intellectually, chances are that my initial emotional reaction to change is fear. of course, i also intellectually accept that FEAR is a lack of FAITH in the POWER that keeps me clean, regardless of evidence to the contrary. so exactly what is the big deal anyhow?
well, as i sit here and ponder this, i can go down a couple of routes. the fear of change may be a human characteristic. even the so-called normal people that are part of my life, have an innate fear of change. the difference between them and me seems to be, that they are better prepared to accept change intellectually and surrender to it, whereas i need to hold on to what i know and only let it go, when i have exhausted all other possibilities. that part of me that i call my addict has taken a natural fear and warped into FEAR! the difference? well, fear is one thing, and can be an unhealthy reaction to the unknown, after all, walking down a dark street in a neighborhood known for muggings is probably a good situation for a bit of fear, and an application of a bit of caution. on the other hand, the FEAR of becoming a man i do not recognize, simply because of the changes that are part of the recovery process, is hardly rational. after all, the changes that have been manifest in my life and spiritual condition, sine the dawn of my recovery have hardly been dangerous or detrimental to me in any way. extreme examples, of course, but sometimes it takes extremes to distinguish the gray areas that lie between. and of course, most of the change that occurs in my life, falls into that gray area. yes, not knowing where i was going to land, when i left the corporate world, was something to be concerned about, and be apprehensive about, but i delayed leaving my comfortable little niche for as long as possible, until the company finances made leaving a better option than staying under the new conditions. and so it is with most of the changes that happen in my personal life, i am apt to hold on to what i know, good, bad or indifferent, until i am forced to make the move.
the reading this morning, provides me a course of action, let the change happen, keep an open mind and accept that NOTHING ever remains the same, life is a process of change, and if i desire to live, and i do, then letting go and letting change in is the healthy reaction i need to practice.
so off to work i go, i have some stuff to accomplish before hitting the road this afternoon.

∞ DT ∞