๐ trying to grab ๐
Posted: Wed, Dec 12, 2018 10:44:26 AM
hold of something, anything familiar, just so i do not have to face change of any sort. it is interesting or better put, ironic, that a year ago i wanted some major change in my life, specifically a new job. today, i may not be thrilled to death about my job, but i am certainly grateful for having a job that pays me well and yes respects my talents and forgives my less than stellar moments. change is inevitable, this i am certain of, and life is all about change, i “get” that as well. even knowing all of that, i still want things to say the same, that is the things i like, i want to stay the same, the stuff i do not like? well even that is okay, as that is familiar misery. back in a bit, got to do a bit of exercise.
so after a walk, a shower and catching up with work stuff, i am back at this.
as i was walking, what i realized is that what i really want, is not FREEDOM from change but a reduction in the chaos that change entails, or the change that needs to arise from the chaos, that can be my life. one of the changes in my life is a friend, a peer and a man who called me his sponsor, took his life two years ago. i posted a screenshot of the last text conversation i had with him on that day in my blog yesterday. the empty text he sent was probably very close to the the time he hung himself. i felt empty back then and angry when i missed the anniversary last year. this year, i was sad when i had discovered i missed the day once again. what i feel today, is a bit of forgiveness for myself.
i also, stumbled across some changes i did DESIRE in my life, as i toured the neighborhood. i want to be financially secure and do not want to do the work to get there, or be patient enough to allow it to happen, bit by bit. i want to be “better,” BUT i want to be better without any change, just one day <BOOM> i am fixed. i guess, what i am saying is that it is the slow process that change entails that i DESIRE to avoid, i just want the change to happen and then adapt to it. one thing that is not changing is the fact that i am steling time from work, to get this done. as a result, i do believe i will wrap this up and move along.
so after a walk, a shower and catching up with work stuff, i am back at this.
as i was walking, what i realized is that what i really want, is not FREEDOM from change but a reduction in the chaos that change entails, or the change that needs to arise from the chaos, that can be my life. one of the changes in my life is a friend, a peer and a man who called me his sponsor, took his life two years ago. i posted a screenshot of the last text conversation i had with him on that day in my blog yesterday. the empty text he sent was probably very close to the the time he hung himself. i felt empty back then and angry when i missed the anniversary last year. this year, i was sad when i had discovered i missed the day once again. what i feel today, is a bit of forgiveness for myself.
i also, stumbled across some changes i did DESIRE in my life, as i toured the neighborhood. i want to be financially secure and do not want to do the work to get there, or be patient enough to allow it to happen, bit by bit. i want to be “better,” BUT i want to be better without any change, just one day <BOOM> i am fixed. i guess, what i am saying is that it is the slow process that change entails that i DESIRE to avoid, i just want the change to happen and then adapt to it. one thing that is not changing is the fact that i am steling time from work, to get this done. as a result, i do believe i will wrap this up and move along.
∞ DT ∞