Blog entry for:

is not a phrase that rolls trippingly off my tongue, in fact most of the time, it is one of the hardest phrases in the English language for me to voice. all of that aside, this morning, of all the phrases i could have chosen from the reading, this was the one that struck me the hardest. as i sat and contemplated the state of my world and how it was affected by the world around me, there was a sense of peace and serenity that settled into my consciousness. not that i think a vaccine or a change in government is going to make my life better in an instance, but it is certainly steps in a direction that may have a positive outcome.
which kind of brings me back to the “topic du jour,” change and my fear of it. i have watched society unravel over the past year, because of a virus that could quite easily be need after the Number 45, after all, his leadership did little to spread the message about how pernicious it is and how a few simple precautions might have brought the economy back, after the initial lock-downs. his message of divisiveness and us vs them, continue to rip our country apart, along the fracture lines that have existed forever. as a white man, quite securely ensconced in White Male Privilege, i understand the FEAR that the changing social structures may bring. i also understand that i got to where i am on the backs of people of color and women. no i am not ready to give back all that i have, but i am ready to embrace the change that is coming, no matter how frightening it may be.
that “general” fear is far from paralyzing. what really scares me, is the decline of my parents and how am i going to be able to help them stay in their home and independent for as long as possible. i listen to my Dad repeat himself and get obsessed about stuff and listen to my Mom struggle to breathe and wonder when they are going to lose the ability to live as they are. already, i have taken it upon myself to visit for a few minutes every day, just to make me feel a bit better about what is going on in that household. the side-effect of those visits is that i see how aging is wearing them down and no matter how much i may wish to deny it, the day will come when decisions will need to be made that i am not willing to make. just for today, i will cherish the minute i get with my parents and know that i paid attention, when they needed someone from outside of their household to pay attention.
just for today, i think i will let go of the uncertain future and do some work to prepare myself for my next position, no matter what that may be. i am the number one seed in my fantasy playoffs and the temptation is for me to go into the app and start making all sorts of wholesale changes, while obsessing about tenths of a point. what i am going to do, is drive over to the Rec Center and get some miles in. then i will attend my home group meeting and let go of what comes next. just for right now, i can go with the flow and see what happens, after all a little FAITH does allow me to say “all will be well.”

∞ DT ∞