Blog entry for:

that the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, will be exactly what i NEED. it is not surprising to me, that time and again i come back to this theme, self-will vs the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. nor is it a big leap to the whole change is terrifying but is a part of life as well as my recovery journey. i GET that when change stops, so does growth, and chaotic as change may seem, FAITH is what will sustain me. the only constant in my recovery, to quote one of those bromides that is supposed to generalize everything to the sunny side of life, is change.
this morning, i accept the fact, that my life involves a commute to downtown Denver, and that in the long run, this too shall change. i accept the fact that the men i sponsor, have free will and will do what they believe is right for them. i accept the fact that life has become a series of accommodations, and yet i never have to be anyone i am not. most importantly i accept the fact, that i am not driving, or even navigating through the busy events that comprise day to day living. my task is to be present, grasp the opportunities as they arise and live an active program of recovery. i can hear the wheels turning now, that IF i am just a passenger, how can i believe that there is no pre-destiny and that i have any control over the direction of my life and yes, the nature and pace of the change that is inherently part of life? my power in this situation comes from being awake and present for what is going on. i cannot stop double-dip recession, but i can clean-up my own finances to soften the blow. i cannot prevent a sponsee from acting-out, but i can be there to comfort him when the consequences are manifest in his life. i cannot prevent the events of life from sweeping someone out of my life, but i can accept that is part of life as well. as comfortable as the cocoon of active addiction was, and for me it was really comfortable, the stagnatio9n of those decades prevented me from becoming the person i always wanted to be. in fact, it robbed me of that vision and replaced it with the obsession to live a life where the pace and nature of change was kept under my control. well actually, where i had the illusion that i was in control!
that does not mean that i gracefully accept change today, nor dos it mean that i even tolerate it very well. it means that i understand the need for me to change, intellectually and when i find myself railing against change, that i need to stop and change my perspective. yes, change may suck BUT it also may be the most wonderful event in the world, removing my instant reaction is one way that i am being restore to sanity, one day at a time. fear is the paralyzing force in my life, not change. when i face my fear ad walk with courage into the change that is part of my life today, i GRO@W, and growth is a good thing, ALL OF THE TIME!
today, i think i will be open and not resistant to change, as i can have FAITH, that no matter what comes about as a result of that change will help me to grow into the man i have always wanted to be.

∞ DT ∞