Blog entry for:

of changes, fostered by living an active program of recovery, are just as scary to me, as the seemingly random ones that slip through life on its own terms. what often happens to me, is that change sneaks up on me, slowly and gradually, not unlike the mythical boiling frog experiment. bit by bit, the changes **raise the temperature** of my life until what seems like all of a sudden, i have changed. it seems only when i am actively looking for changes, does the FEAR of those changes consume my every waking moment. i may wish to see myself as a “stable genius” when it comes to the path of my recovery and the changes in my life, but that vision is just an illusion, as i really do not know what changes are coming down the pike towards me.
moving on this morning, it was not change the the fear of it, that came to the top of the stack as i “sat.” in what seems to be a continuing pattern for me, what i heard this morning was something i heard one of my peers share. although i am, at a loss to recall the words, even to do a paraphrase, the notion that they impressed upon me was that even though they were not happy with the consequences of their continued using, they were not quite ready to “give it up.” i not only understand that attitude, i lived it. my early recovery was fraught with the delusion that no matter what i saw and heard in the rooms, it could not possibly apply to me. as long as i made a show of “going with the flow,” i could achieve social standing in the fellowship, resist any notion of change in myself and plan for my eventual return to using. as credible as that path of action may have seemed, it all came crashing down in that fateful early morning in New Jersey, when the FEAR of failing at being compliance was more powerful; that my DESIRE to say f*ck it all and enjoy the purchase i had just made. this frog was starting to get cooked as they recovery water around me had reached a boiling point and i finally uncovered the fact that my desire to stay clean was more than just complying with the onerous conditions of my continued freedom.
today the freedom i have a desire to continue is the freedom i have found from active addiction. i have no illusions that even a bite of an “incredible edible,” or a dive into a pint of the latest malt beverage creation, starts me down the road to a place i no longer find comfortable or desirable and that “little” bit is enough to start changing the way i see my relationship with my peers. i know from my own experience that a little is never enough and a lot is never enough, as i will always want more. more will certainly kill me while burning down the life that i have been given since i decided that i was without any doubt an addict. with that in mind, i think i will trot on down the road for another day of work. change is inevitable, the pain comes when i resist and fear that fact.

∞ DT ∞