Blog entry for:

for some reason, i assume that each and every change is going to hurt, causing me to be miserable.
so one of the changes that seems to hurt the most is changing a clean date. lets just say that issue has surfaced over the past couple of weeks and was hammered home pretty well through the storm of emotions i felt yesterday.so because i was running late and the variable schedule of the woman with whom i share my life, i GOT to take a shower before writing this little ditty.
during that rather pregnant pause, i considered what i had intended to say and thought that perhaps another line of attack would be a bit more tactful today.
change has yet to make me miserable, it is my resistance to change that makes me miserable, and the harder i fight it, the more it hurts. owning that i am one that frequently relapses, by taking a white chip each and every time i do not have thirty days, is one way for me to announce to my peers, that i am honestly ready to work a program and start my journey of recovery again, mending the parts that did not work out at my last attempt. yes, i believe that if or when i relapse, it will be because my misery, by my own hand, from resisting the change that is inherent in living the program. is what drove me out of the shelter of recovery. what that may look like is beyond me, but i will do my best to blame someone else, or even better allow my friends to blame someone else, by telling only the flattering part of my story. i have been around and in recovery, which for me is synonymous, for long enough, that ti have heard most of what i could come up with, spewing from the mouths of my peers. for some reason, they want to hold on to something they did not have, and assuage their battered self-esteem, with the euphoric recall of what they wanted it to look like. hmmm, not too much different than how i look at my active addiction, when i am less than healthy.
just for today? well me, i am clean, and although i like the way my life is going, i am sick of being “in the dumps.” once upon a time, there was a cure, temporary and transitory, but a cure nevertheless. that option is always on the table for me, to say anything as incredible ignorant as using is not an option, denies who and what i am. right now, i choose to not exercise that option and chances are that i will continue to honor that decision and choice, with how i live this day. today, i may not embrace change, nor do i welcome it, but i do accept that it is inevitable, if i continue to honor my decision not to use. acceptance and tolerance of that change allows me to live with a bit more FAITH and and a bit less FEAR, and with the hope, that yes i can change, no it will not destroy me, and i can continue to recover, just for today.

∞ DT ∞