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the POWER that fuels my recovery, the more i will trust that those changes are for the best.
moving forward from yesterday,. i spoke a bunch about my peers, and what i disagreed with, in that slice of time. i know that when i go there, there is more going on inside of me, and right now, although it may not feel like it, i am growing more certain that change is happening inside me as well.
honestly, it seems no matter how long i stay clean, i still FEAR change, especially change of a spiritual or emotional nature. the kind of change that mostly occurs when i allow myself to align with the harmony and flow of life around me. unlike the salmon, swimming against that current is more than likely self-will. looking back at the ironies i identified yesterday and applying to me, myself and i, i see that one, i really do like to play the victim and martyr to my misery and two live in the rooms in a judgmental manner, looking for where my peers are stuck and where i am moving forward.
both are a symptom of my distorted self-image and the lack of self-worth i feel. i want to look so much better than i sometimes feel, that looking at where others may or may not fall short, salves my achy feelings of inadequacy.
so where does change come in? both of the set of behaviors i wrote above above, come from my FEAR of the unknown shape of the future, my inability to see where i am going, and the uncertainty that may bring into my existence. i want control and knowledge, and barring that, then i want to be able to dive into some familiar, albeit painful and hurtful, behaviors to distract myself from the FEAR that is gnawing at the edges of my soul. once again, i am redefining what it means to have a conscious contact with the POWER that fuels my recovery and once again, i balk, i distract and i do everything i can to avoid looking at what i need to look at. truthfully, i know that my prayer is going to have to change, at least in form, if not in substance. even though my notions of the spiritual side of my program have matured across time, i am still essentially praying just like i did in those first dark and dismal days, and i know that i am at the edge of how long that is going to work for me. so the payoff for looking at the foibles of my friends, peers and acquaintances is i do not have to look at my own stuff. i CHOOSE to reserve that spot in my program to leave untouched and i pretend that it is not so. well, for this addict, that too, needs to be changed as a reservation of any sort is not a healthy thing to harbor.
so it is off to the showers, and out into the real world, as that is what i feel the next right thing to do, is. it is a good day to be clean and even a better day to be kicking it on this side of the grass.

∞ DT ∞