Blog entry for:

i am losing my fear of the unknown and as a result i am being set free. freed from what you may ask. well all sorts of things, first and foremost, i have been freed from active addiction, and it is important for me to remember that is paramount in my life. without that freedom, nothing would be possible for me. so there i go, spouting the party line, in this case i wholeheartedly believe it. i have no need to be coerced into saying anything else, and the amazing part is, that i used to think that this was just a trite response to the multitudes of promises offered by other 12 step fellowships. that is however a topic for another day.
freedom from active addiction has allowed me to do some amazing things. yes there has been vacations in places i never even dreamed i would ever see. yes there has been purchases of items that i never thought i would qualify for. yes i have accomplished goals in my education and personal life, that i thought would never happen. all of that and more, and yet, i have been plagued by a prison created from my FEAR of CHANGE. which of course, stems back to just plain FEAR, nothing more and nothing less. it is fitting at this time in my recovery that i am pausing and doing absolutely nothing, in regards to writing steps that is. honestly, FEAR has been my constant companion, since i started, and i mean really started my walk through REAL recovery. i did what was suggested, not because i had FAITH that what worked for them, would work for me. man that would have been sweet! no i took direction BECAUSE i was afraid of losing all that i had gained if i DID NOT! i worked steps because i FEARED relapse. i went to meetings because i FEARED social isolation. i did service because i was AFRAID of what others would think of me if i did not. and the list goes on and on and on.
at this point in my recovery,. well actually since i worked my last eleventh step, the switch from FEAR based to FAITH based recovery has been on, what happened? i started to grow up. just like a child in the dark, who fears the thunder even though it is the lightening that kills, i cowered under my covers waiting for the storm to pass. in actuality life is a storm, and it pours, or drizzles as it will. for me, living my life afraid to move was quite comfortable, as it kept me comfortable and secure in my own pile of sh!t. even though i am not a fan of the ends justifying the means, in this case i am quite happy with the results. FEAR kept me clean. FEAR forced me to change even though i was scared sh!tless by what that change would bring. FEAR, most importantly kept me close to the program, so yet another miracle could happen. that miracle? where there was FEAR, FAITH can be substituted. i am nowhere close to the ideal here, but the paradigm shift is well advanced and this morning, i asked for the power to stay clean, because i have FAITH, that it will be granted to me.
when in the course of human recovery, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the bonds that connects them to their past, change is inevitable. as i have grown, despite my FEAR and my reluctance, i can go kicking and screaming into this new vision or i can allow it to flow as it will. honestly, living in FAITH scares me more than anything else, save relapse, or at least it has up until this point. maybe i am finally about to let those two top FEARS flip-flop, and then i will be ready to move into STEP THREE. time will tell, and as i sit here and wait, and listen and most importantly FEEL, i am right where i am supposed to be, and for once, that little cliché does not strike a rebellious chord within me.
so off to the streets and into some work, some Christmas preparations, rooting for our home team and a meeting. all in all, quite a normal Sunday and one where i can have FAITH that all i have to do is the next right thing.

∞ DT ∞