Blog entry for:

change is going to hurt and most do, at least at first. living my life under a cloud of FEAR of change, however, certainly promises me a miserable life. the fact is, the only thing that is constant in my life is change. the pace may vary, but since i got clean and actually became a member change has been my constant companion. i could go through all the bon mots and clichés about how good change is or i can just say change happens and move along. true fact -- Brian is gone from this world. true fact -- that fact hurts. true fact -- i COULD do lots of things to change the way i feel, but i choose to live through the pain and let myself adjust to my new reality. the fact one would choose an escape from misery is undeniable, aseptically when the change one seeks is not the change one gets.
as i sit here this morning, fighting with a calendar event for my trip from reality at the end of the week, i am struck by the absurdity of it all. here i am whining in my own head about how the stupid airline sent the calendar invite and ignoring the fact that in four days or so, i will be going on a vacation that i could once only dream of taking. the changes manifest in my life, have created a situation where i GET to do all sorts of activities, that were certainly well beyond my grasp. change means that when i lose someone, i hurt. change means that today, i have empathy, instead of sympathy and pity, for my fellow travelers. change means that today i care and apathy has been reduced to a minimal artifact of the person i once was. looking at that small sample of the change that has manifest in my life, one might conclude that the logical and rational path for me to follow, would be to embrace change, rather than cringe in FEAR. one might think that, and one would be wrong, i still FEAR the change. the good news is that instead of cowering in that FEAR, i face it with a bit of courage and move through it.
what does that mean in the here and now? well that i pack this in, clean myself up and head down for another day of work. yes, i still hurt, it will be a long time before that becomes part of my emotional white noise. yes i am excited to be getting away for a week off the grid. and yes everything is as it should be, even if i am not overly fond of what this new balance looks like.ironically, once i get comfortable here, i am quite certain things will once again change.

∞ DT ∞