Blog entry for:

is going to hurt, causing me to be miserable. so here i sit, smack dab on the door of my EIGHTH STEP wondering what happened last night. i certainly had no clue that as i was finishing my SIXTH STEP, i was also working through my SEVENTH, but in the cold light of day, i begin to see that i am entering the hallway of metaphysical terror, that describes the process of change at this point in my recovery, as well as in this point in the space-time continuum. as i start the hall and try to decide which door to change i will open, i feel certain that what i know about where i was, was part of the illusion i created for myself. i actually was clueless, and what i thought was a map to the landmines along the route was just as hard to find as Big Foot, a unicorn or the Yeti. i am not saying that any or all of those exists, but what i thought was direction was merely a security blanket,. i clutched on tightly to, to help relieve my fear of the unknown aspect of what change brings to my life. it is certainly fitting that the reading this morning, is all about exploring my fear of change.
the more i think about it, the more i see, that what i believe is the TRUTH, is actually a superstitious manipulation of the facts to give me just the edge i think i need to live each day in this world. so today, of all days, i look to the process and i do not know where i am headed, except for the brief glimpses i get when i sit down, quiet down and listen. i certainly do not want to end up like some of my peers, who with their decades of clean time, practice service-based recovery. that is just one of the outcomes i see. no i would prefer to practice recovery-based service, as that seems to be the direction i am headed spontaneously, without the application of any self-will on my part. i do not want to wear my clean-time like some kind of badge of honor, but i do want to honor my clean time. most importantly, i want to foster the process, which means that emotionally i have to prepare to accept that change is part of that process, and take the leap of FAITH,m that if i ask to have my shortcomings removed, in a humble manner, they will be removed.
the metaphysical hall of terror? just a slick metaphor for the change process, when i work the steps. i never know what will be behind door number three, but that does not mean i should fear opening it. i do have a POWER that fuels my recovery and the core of my FAITH is that staying clean is part of the will of that POWER. so walking this path, without knowing where i am going is okay, this morning.
yes i am afraid of change, but courage is walking through my FEAR and facing what is on the other side. besides, if the wags are correct about what the Mayans meant, than i will never see December 22, 2012 and i can always delay until that date passes, so my last nine days are not lost in FEAR and ANXIETY. :) or i think i will embrace the change, and be confident that i can become anything i desire, except maybe younger, and if that is part of the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, than it will come to pass.
i do however, need to get some work done, as they are paying me to do so. it is a good day to be kicking on this side of the dirt, and all i have to do is let go, surrender and allow the process to carry me along, as i am certain i will not drown.

∞ DT ∞