Blog entry for:

when i look back on the changes that have happened in recovery, i find that change has been for the best. so here i sit this morning, after i got up on the **wrong** side of the bed, attempting to salvage my day, or at least my spiritual fitness, by doing a brain dump. how do i know that i am not spiritually fit? well wishing someone would just up and die is quite a clue! the amazing part of that is, that this is someone i bear no real animosity towards and to go there without any just cause, not even a good juicy lie, rationalization or justification, definitely tells me something is up, at least in the here and now. it could be as the reading suggests fear of change and there is without a doubt some change in my life, physical, emotional and spiritual. or it could just be i woke up in a bad mood as Frued has been quoted as saying, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."
anyhow, as i sat a listened to what was going on inside of me, i did feel turmoil, where there is often quiet. as a card carrying member of the fellowship militia, i am coming to a place where i am powerless over what other members do and say. oops i mean i am coming to accept that i am powerless over that. i get what is going on now, after having typed that, i am being worked by my first step, i am starting to move into the hopeless and dopeless phase already, so i guess it is time to call the sponse and do the written work.
sometimes i am just stunned by how this process works. i have done absolutely no formal work as i was in my usual period of waiting, and yet the change id upon me, without my active participation in facilitating it. i could rail against it, stubbornly holding out until i think i am ready DAMMIT! i could ignore it, pretending that nothing is happening inside of me, one of my favorite responses to change. OR i can join the process and be actively involved by doing what i know is the next right thing -- dragging out the reading and writing materials, and consciously participate in the change process.
far too much to contemplate this early on a Saturday morning, so i do believe i will go take a trot with the dawg and allow my conscious head to merge with my unconscious one, and be present for the results of that confluence. in fact that sounds like a wonderful way to proceed.

∞ DT ∞