Blog entry for:

something, anything familiar and try to hold on. solace can be found in a Power greater than myself.
and of course the irony of this reading is that when thinking about how my misery was optional yesterday i nailed myself with this whole issue about fear of change. of course i am afraid of change, and of course my growing nascent FAITH is a replacement for that FEAR, BUT, and it is a BIG ONE, i still am learning how to let go of the illusion of control i have deluded myself into thinking i have over the pace and course of change in my life. the weirdest part of this whole topic, is that i change even if all i do is NOT USE ANYTHING JUST FOR TODAY. so i do have a bit of control over the change process. work steps, work with my sponsor, and being of service to my fellowship creates a process that has been beneficial to me, no matter how much it scares me. doing nothing to foster my recovery creates a process that brings me greater misery. my FEAR of change is so irrational that it can actually kill me. understanding that on an intellectual level is one thing, accepting that as fact in my heart of hearts is quite a different kettle of fish. that has always been one of the roadblocks in my recovery, the movement of an idea from my head to my heart. so the reading once again reminds me how i am not unique in the adoption of this path, like others who have come before me, i struggle with the illusion that somehow i am in charge of the change process, shattering that illusion is what this is all about for me today. truthfully i can tell you that as i progress through the tenth year of my recovery, i am struggling with some of the strangest notions in my head. stuff like i can have a glass of wine and not end up in the same place i was when i got here. stuff like the whole of the fellowship cannot possibly understand me. stuff like this is how i have always been, all the abstinence from the use of any substances has done is give me control over the part of me i call my disease. after all, i have not been locked-up for quite some time. i have learned how to be successful. and i have learned how to love myself and others, so i must have arrived at a cure. most of all i am starting to get the notion that there has to be more to my life than just recovery, the time has come to move beyond the fellowship and venture out into life, and relegate recovery to something else. i understand that these thoughts are dangerous and that i am not the first person in recovery to start to feel that clean time and social acceptability is a sign of being cured.
what do i think i need to do today as a result of tripping down this particular path? well for one call my sponsor, buy a new notebook and wait to see where the the uncontrollable force of change takes me in this next twenty-four hours. practice a bit of courage and hang on to what i have, instead of pitching it all and inducing a process of change that i probably will not like. after all, i do not have to drink that glass of wine today!

∞ DT ∞