Blog entry for:

Fri, Jan 16, 2009 08:06:09 AM


↔ i need the members of this fellowship. however, sometimes …
posted: Fri, Jan 16, 2009 08:06:09 AM

 

...i do not feel worthy of their time or i fear that if they ever got to know me -- really know me -- they would surely reject me. this morning, as i sit here and ponder what may or may not occur over the next twenty-four hours, the irony of the situation i am waling into does not escape me. most of the time, i can just accept what is happening and move on, however, when seemingly momentous events are about to occur, i get way into my head about how i want them to turn out and what i can do to make them turn out the way i want. but self-will and letting go are topics for another day.
what is going on, is i may be about to reestablish a relationship with a fellow member, and the feelings of inadequacy and fear are active in my life this morning. truthfully that sucks. no, not the event, but the internal process leading up to it. i can hear that shrill and familiar voice, shouting loudly how inferior and incapable i am, and if i try i will certainly fVck it up again.
now that is out and about to be posted, i can move on to exploring those feelings a bit more. you know, because i have told you, that when i came to the recovery, i truly believed that i did not need anyone else in my life. i was self-sufficient and all relationships of any type did, was hurt me. that lie protected me from the reality of what i craved most was the embrace of my fellow travelers, but i was incapable of letting them in, so i kept them at a distance, always longing for more, but fearing the intimacy that is required for truly fulfilling relationships whether or not they were like me, i kept everyone at that safe distance and as a result i got nothing but more isolation and agony.
that behavior, while diminished, still is part of my repertoire to this day, so readings like this one, force me to open my eyes and let the reality of my life, including my feelings be revealed once again. so this morning and throughout the next hours i will keep in mind that if i want to have fulfilling relationships, then i need to remember that i am worth doing what it takes, and yes there may be a bit of pain, BUT the pain i may feel is worth the reward of yet another point of contact with the human race, and a point of contact that shares my affliction and my remedy. and that in and of itself is more than enough to sustain me.

∞ DT ∞

 

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

∞ F*ck Everything And Run ∞ 509 words ➥ Monday, January 16, 2006 by: donnot
↔ if i isolate myself from my fellow members, i deprive them of something they need, ↔ 290 words ➥ Tuesday, January 16, 2007 by: donnot
μ i need my fellow members: their experience, their friendship, their laughter, their guidance, and much, much more. μ 389 words ➥ Wednesday, January 16, 2008 by: donnot
Φ i forget that my fellow members are just like me Φ 497 words ➥ Saturday, January 16, 2010 by: donnot
∉ i feared that if i ever revealed myself as as i am ∉ 661 words ➥ Sunday, January 16, 2011 by: donnot
¢ i can also forget that, just as i need others, they need me ¢ 346 words ➥ Monday, January 16, 2012 by: donnot
♦ here in recovery, i am among friends and peers ♦ 561 words ➥ Wednesday, January 16, 2013 by: donnot
¿ what waits at the other end of the telephone ? 729 words ➥ Thursday, January 16, 2014 by: donnot
& make that call ! 480 words ➥ Friday, January 16, 2015 by: donnot
✆ i would surely ✉ 491 words ➥ Saturday, January 16, 2016 by: donnot
➿ my fellow members ➿ 548 words ➥ Monday, January 16, 2017 by: donnot
📞 i do not 🎙 544 words ➥ Tuesday, January 16, 2018 by: donnot
🌧 i am 🌤 466 words ➥ Wednesday, January 16, 2019 by: donnot
🖁 i get experience, 🕿 458 words ➥ Thursday, January 16, 2020 by: donnot
😰 understanding me 😰 355 words ➥ Saturday, January 16, 2021 by: donnot
😶 learning to 😷 430 words ➥ Sunday, January 16, 2022 by: donnot
😡 just like me 😀 508 words ➥ Monday, January 16, 2023 by: donnot
🌨 finding my 🌨 509 words ➥ Tuesday, January 16, 2024 by: donnot
Spacer Image

☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯

THE TAO TEH KING, OR THE TAO AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge

Book 1

1) The highest excellence is like (that of) water. The excellence
of water appears in its benefiting all things, and in its occupying,
without striving (to the contrary), the low place which all men dislike.
Hence (its way) is near to (that of) the Tao.