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...i do not feel worthy of their time or i fear that if they ever got to know me -- really know me -- they would surely reject me. this morning, as i sit here and ponder what may or may not occur over the next twenty-four hours, the irony of the situation i am waling into does not escape me. most of the time, i can just accept what is happening and move on, however, when seemingly momentous events are about to occur, i get way into my head about how i want them to turn out and what i can do to make them turn out the way i want. but self-will and letting go are topics for another day.
what is going on, is i may be about to reestablish a relationship with a fellow member, and the feelings of inadequacy and fear are active in my life this morning. truthfully that sucks. no, not the event, but the internal process leading up to it. i can hear that shrill and familiar voice, shouting loudly how inferior and incapable i am, and if i try i will certainly fVck it up again.
now that is out and about to be posted, i can move on to exploring those feelings a bit more. you know, because i have told you, that when i came to the recovery, i truly believed that i did not need anyone else in my life. i was self-sufficient and all relationships of any type did, was hurt me. that lie protected me from the reality of what i craved most was the embrace of my fellow travelers, but i was incapable of letting them in, so i kept them at a distance, always longing for more, but fearing the intimacy that is required for truly fulfilling relationships whether or not they were like me, i kept everyone at that safe distance and as a result i got nothing but more isolation and agony.
that behavior, while diminished, still is part of my repertoire to this day, so readings like this one, force me to open my eyes and let the reality of my life, including my feelings be revealed once again. so this morning and throughout the next hours i will keep in mind that if i want to have fulfilling relationships, then i need to remember that i am worth doing what it takes, and yes there may be a bit of pain, BUT the pain i may feel is worth the reward of yet another point of contact with the human race, and a point of contact that shares my affliction and my remedy. and that in and of itself is more than enough to sustain me.

∞ DT ∞