Blog entry for:

in my experience it is NOT rejection, but the love, warmth, and identification of a peer in recovery.
well where the fVck am i at this morning? looking at my feet, i am certainly in my home, in front of my keyboard, pounding away at something, that i am clueless about where it is going. some mornings that is a good thing, and others, well those seem to be the mornings i get in myself in trouble. doing my best to avoid trouble, is not a prudent policy for me, as what i do NOT write, speaks a whole lot louder than what i do write, so anyhow, here it goes.
the reading spoke to me on a few levels. understanding and accepting that i am not alone on my recovery journey, was an important place for me to reach. i wish i could say it happened in my fist 180 days, when the obsession to use was lifted. i wish i could say it happened at thirteen months clean, when i found my recovery home. i wish i could say that it happened within my first five years, as i transitioned from being a new guy, to someone who actually did the deed and stuck around. socially, i am a very slow learner, nearly to the point of being a social retard. i never NEEDED anyone in my life and for the length of my active addiction, that became more and more clear to me. people sucked: they hurt you, they left you, they took advantage of you and they were unreliable. those were my traits and in my world view i projected them on to the world in general, highlighting to my gleeful satisfaction the hypocrisy of anyone who pretended to act any differently. so coming to recovery, it was them i had to watch out for, because here was a group of people just like me, that i was suddenly supposed to trust and accept that they did have my best interests at heart, for the most part. yes, i was resistant and continued to look for the evidence to convict them so i could get out of the fellowship that made me an addict.
life had a different path in store for me, and as a result of seemingly random chance, i became friends with one of my brothers in my sponsorship family, and was present for him, in the last days of his losing battle with cancer. that was one of the toughest things i ever did and the feelings that i had were overwhelming. so overwhelming, in fact, that one night, on my journey back to Longmont, from the hospice, i thought that maybe a drink would be a good idea. instead of turning left and heading to the closest liquor dispensary, i called my sponsor, and then one addict after another until i reached someone. the addict i reached, said something that i have no memory of today, and talked with me for the entire 20 minutes i was on the road. his love and kindness, kept me clean that night and i still call him every day. his concern that night, made me take the first step on the path to becoming a member and i know that when i pick-up the phone, there is someone just like me on the other end. i can be there for another, just as i know they can be there for me. honestly, i am still socially inept, but as i work steps and allow myself to feel a part of the fellowship, i am learning how to do this life gig, in a very social manner. i am no longer defined by my service commitments, my addiction, my past or who i was yesterday. i am growing into something that is beyond anything i ever dreamed was possible and trusting and being trusted, to be there is just part of that journey.
so yes, i still have a job, dunno if i won POWERBALL or not, this morning it does not matter. the bills are paid, the lights will stay on another month, and i am grateful i have the freedom to write something like this, form time to time. itr is after all,m a great day to belong somewhere.

∞ DT ∞