Blog entry for:

feel worthy of my peer's time and concern. some days, my life abounds with little ironies. at a very small meeting last night i told one of my newest peers, that making connections with others in the fellowship, was in my opinion, one of the keys for “getting” this recovery gig. i spoke of my hesitancy to call my fellow recovering addicts and one of the reasons i gave, is the story in my head that “i am not worthy.” as i was preparing to go to sleep last night, i was struck by the notion that i am powerless about the stories i have already written that are floating around inside of my head. it does not seem possible to rewrite them. where my power may lie, however, is not in the editing of the original yarn, but how i add to it in the present tense, just for today.
there are actually two stories that intrinsically linked in that particular lack of action, the first not feeling worthy and the second not wanting to appear weak and feeble. so saving my a$$ could be overruled by saving my face and the second refrain of worthiness. tough world and dangerous neighborhood inside my mind.

Tracy D.
Congrats on FIVE(5) years clean.
Never thought, you would be one of those who kept coming back, i am glad you did.

Todd T
17 years clean,
WOW! Miss you my friend, hope to see you at the Kings one Saturday.

okay, so if i am powerless over the stories that i have already written and all i can do is append to them, where does that leave me. amazingly, even though i could not let go of that notion and fall asleep last night, in a much better place. as i was sharing last night, i teared up for seemingly no reason at all. i had an emotional reaction to sharing the fact that my unworthiness still is part of who i am. i would have thought that i had let go of that stuff, a long, long time ago, and yet there it is, still here playing underneath the surface, for all who will listen.
leaving all of that behind, as difficult as it seems, i can be okay acknowledging that this is the truth for me right now. that i still tell myself stories that keep me separated from my peers, not because i am better than them, but because i am sicker and worse than them. of, course, being the person who i am, when i get to the pl;ace where i am sicker than most, than having to look better than i am, is next story that starts to play out. life in my world is never easy, as i make it a whole lot more complicated than i need to.
i will make that call today, just as i do every day and accept whatever offerings i get as a result of that call. it is a good day to be clean and even a better one to append some good stuff to those awful stories.

∞ DT ∞