Blog entry for:

be rejected! yes i was quite sure that IF anyone knew or could see who i REALLY was,l i would be kicked to the curb, stomped upon and set on fire. extreme in the maximus i know, but even that bit of hyperbole is not a far stretch. the days between my clean date and my membership in the fellowship, was all about being different and of course i could not let my peers even catch a whiff of that. after becoming a member, i looked at clean time as some sort of “status symbol” not that much unlike a bank account. since i was always status conscious, even when doing my best to deny my inherent materialism, i knew that unlike faking my bank account by demonstrating what i could buy, i would not be able to fake out those members with time, as to the true state of my recovery, and i kept my distance. even my current sponse, was unapproachable ion my mind, because i had hardly anything of what i he had, and felt i did not deserve to travel in those stratospheric circles.
well time, a methodical program and some steps has pushed me into those once unattainable circles, and at times i feel that i certainly cannot let my true self show, after all, what would the newcomer think?
so instead of feeling unworthy of the time, care and attention of my peers, i have moved into a place of fearing their judgement and turning someone off from pursuing their program. silly? of course, i do not have that power over anyone, even IF they choose to give it to me.even sillier is worrying about what my peers may or may not think of me. i know i am human. i know i have character defects and shortcomings and i also know that i am on a path of spiritual completion. each and every day i CHOOSE not to use, and allow the program and a HIGHER POWER to provide me what i need, i get to move closer to that completion. in the spiritual calculus, that can be described by limits. i will never achieve perfection, spiritual or otherwise, that does not mean i should strive for anything less. i am worth the care and concern of my peers today and for me to receive those offerings i NEED to let them know who i am, even when i am quite fuckered up in my head.it is only in the sunlight of intimacy that i can get better as the more i hide, the more reservations, resentments and unproductive self dialogue fills my life.
it is a good day to be clean and today, i can be grateful that i know where my peeps are, and what they can do for me, when i allow them in.

∞ DT ∞