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passion and purpose is really not something i think about on a regular basis, in fact it is almost never. i feel my passion and i gave up a long time ago trying to discern my purpose. when this topic does come up, however, it is a great exercise in looking at who i am and where i may be going. this morning as i sit in this hotel room in Boston wondering how i am going to fill this day, i have nothing better to do, save for contemplating my navel and considering what my purpose just may be.
i know i am passionate about climbing mountains and i am only in Boston becaause of the consequnces of winter air travel. my only complaint when there could be many, is tthat i am not across thhe Atlantic jetting my way towards Kilimanjaro right now things could be worse, i have the ressources to make this unplanned stop and i have the desire to make this stop as serene as possible. being away from the family drama and having some time to feel my grief, is not a bad thing. i really have not had a minute to acknowledge how i feel and forty-eight hours after the death of my Mom, i am finally finding the room to be okay with being sad and allowing myself to miss her. i have had to be stoic, strong and business-like since her passing, as that is my job and now that i have all that i need to do to place her where she wanted to be placed, i can breathe and allow myself a bit of freedom to enjoy the gift she gave me, freedom from waiting to hear the news of her passing and the chaos that might have ensued as i was in “radio silence” on the snows of Kilmanjaro.
it is true that my relationship with my Mom was complicated and watching her spin down into irrelevance and a small world, was painful. it is because of her, that i lacked any sense of wanting to be myself for five decades, well let me rephrase that, it is because of my reaction to one of her actions, that froze me in place and started my spin into becoming no one and every one. i am grateful i was there to say goodbye and allow her the freedom of hearing me say “i forgive you,” even though i really do not know if she understood why i might have said that. as i walk through this day of doing nothing, i will remember that because of her example, i have the desire and possibly the ability to go on this epic adventure. i do not want to be stuck in a recliner, in two hundred square feet, watching CNN at volume 80 and wondering how the fVck did i get here. i want to live my life with purpose and conscious choiice, just for today.

∞ DT ∞